The Liminal Odyssey: The Alchemical Power of the Space In-Between– “Everyone has a unique story known only to them that when shared is a sacred gift to the world. In her book, The Liminal Odyssey: The Alchemical Power of The Spaces In-Between, Sande Hart’s life experiences flow authentically onto the page and reveal her own dance within her own sacred liminal space. From her sobering and chilling experience, visiting Auschwitz and Birkenau death camp, to her cry out to the stadium-filled crowd to save an abandoned dog, Sande captures and shares many life lessons that evoked inspiration, and at times melted me into a sacred surrender to truths I had only known unconsciously.” – Clay Boykin
We all have, we’re all encoded like that seed. We’re all encoded with the potentiality of 10,000 forests. One oak tree can produce up to 10,000 forests, by all the seats that potentially can draw, and plant and grow again.
We have a design assignment, I believe Aristotle calls it our calling where your passions meet the needs in the world, therein lies your calling. And it goes so much deeper than that, of course, yet it’s about what is it that makes us come alive? And why aren’t we living there? Because that’s, you know, where our potential gift is to the world. And maybe that’s what we all need to be showing up with.
The book has really moved me it takes incredible courage to share on the level that you shared. Welcome to In Search of the new compassionate male.
My name is Clay Boykin, I support this podcast through my coaching practice. I help people visualize and harmonize find direction and meaning or simply get unstuck. Contact me at Clay boykin.com for a free consultation. Now here’s the latest episode of In Search of the new compassionate male.
Hello World. It’s me Dennis and we are in search of the new compassionate male. I’m the co host of this particular podcast I’m here with the founder clay Boykin, oh, Clay, hey, Dennis, my dear friend, Sande Hart is back. Sande and I met in 2018, the fall of 2018 at the Parliament of the world’s religions. And I can tell you, she took me under her wing, and was instrumental in moving forward the work that we’ve been doing with men and raising compassion, consciousness and men. And we’re just pleased to have her here. She’s got a new book. And we’re going to talk about that and whatever comes up.
Oh, wonderful. How wonderful. Welcome, Sande. Well, thank you so much. I am thrilled to be here. I am thrilled to be here and you didn’t stand in my way too long.
You flew right out of there. And look what you’ve managed. And you and Dennis together are amazing and breathtaking. To behold, we’re you know, we’re we’re
Thank you, Sande it is How gracious of you it is. It is amazing to me because we still see the power structure that is still predominantly male, and certainly predominantly white male and older, white male as we’re seeing this. So the power structure and the dynamics are shifting to this wonderful interdependence, this wonderful collection of knowing that that the world is a yes. And rather than a then an OR gate. And and this is the place where you’re playing with your new book and all on can you talk a little bit about what’s going on? And what your what what is impelled you to write this wonderful tome.
Yes, thank you. Well, first of all, yes, we are definitely in an evolutionary growth spurt. And you know, you had two very dear friends of mine on your program not too long ago, Connie Baxter Marlowe and Andrew Cameron Bailey, who wrote the trust frequency, and one of their 10 assumptions isour 10… Yeah, I think the 10 assumptions are that are we are humanity is an upward spiral motion. But I challenge that, and I love Connie and Andrew and I will respectfully have the same conversation with them. But why is it we keep spiraling? What is it that keeps us coming back around and moving up ever so gently?
What is it that keeps us from elevating at such a slower pace, and right now it feels like the trajectory is accelerated and it’s going up straight, I don’t see it coming back around to the very point of what you’re working on. And that’s the patriarchy and, and the domination trance that we’ve been walking through that Dr. Riane Eisler speaks of, and because we are walking through these assumptions of the way things used to be that that male and female feminine and masculine have these different identities but now we’re pulling back the veil on that. And and those assumptions that no longer service with the work that you are doing, which is so critically profound to that. You’ve really gone right to the heart of that darkness. It’s served us patriarchy has served us. It’s yeah, it’s time has come.
Well it’s time for it to evolve as time. I’m free to move to the next level, like you’re saying, right? Isn’t it something we’re, and I know, I’m guilty of this of trying to hold on to the past, you know, I wish things were the way they used to be. Well think about that I don’t, I really don’t think I want that. But I keep migrating back in, it’s almost like, I’m not going to change until I have to change until the pressures are such that, that I’ve got no choice but to change. And I feel like that’s where we are in the world right now
Yeah, that’s the creative tension that always comes before great change. So we can bless that creative tension, you know, the piling on of crises that we don’t even have to name here. But then when we can look at the things that are changing the assumptions that are falling off, like what we consider identity, what we consider feminine and masculine even. Yeah, and so we’re and the way technology has been accelerating and speeding up and created lots of havoc in our life, it’s also helped us consciously grow because we have information coming at a so quickly, that we have no choice but to expand our mind and our thinking and our ability to, to, to, to receive information.
And it’s both it’s both a great tension. With a great it’s like when you put a seed in the ground, the seed first has to disintegrate before New Life can grow from it. Right? And what grows from it looks very different from the seed, right? We’re at that place in evolution where we could see both the seed and the sprout wildly wonderful time to be alive.
Gosh, I go back to Dana White talking with this. And the myth of progress, you know, and how it’s been going for the past 500 years, and the whole idea of technology and faster and faster and faster. In contrast, though, he talks about the myth of the fall, the story of the fall, you know, progress, but there’s the downside to it. And we’re certainly seeing that accentuated right now.
Yeah. From Joseph Campbell, from death comes life. All the myths. So stories are dying. And we have a choice, it is our moment of choice. We want the midwife service or casualties.
Yeah, it is and, and in your book, and I’m gonna name your book.
Oh, yes, thank you.
The book is titled the liminal Odyssey, the alchemical power of the spaces in between the beautiful book. And in it, you reference the Joseph Campbell’s hero’s journey. But you’ve got a twist, or you’ve got modification or you’ve added to it can you talk about that some Sande?
Yeah, I found that I originally set out to frame my, the stories that appeared to me in my life, in in the hero’s journey, and started doing my own charting of what was happening in my life, if I could look at it through that lens. And the hero’s journey really fell short for me. And I realized that the linear the linear fashion of the hero’s journey is kind of specific. First comes the call to action then comes to the appearance of allies and wizards, and, and, and so on. And I think you can be you can be all of these things at once. You know, I close my book on a real great example, if you say so myself on the call to action and the resurrection, step one and step 10. Together.
Oh, well expire. It’s not even a spiral. It’s six and it’s AGS. A Bob around.
Thank you. All right, May I May I use a metaphor, please. i When, when we had back when Joseph Campbell was writing this, we were very much in a linear world. It was very much of one thing happened after another we did this when very much in our, in our process. This is what the the this is the pre the digital immigrants. These are this is the pre that we had but the today, it’s a nonlinear world, so that the kids like Okay, so he’s 18 and wants to have his midlife crisis at 18 Go ahead and have it get it out of the way and continue on. So I love that idea because we can actually, we can actually create the journey at time when we need it rather than having it prescribed for us.
Absolutely. And that has something to do with patriarchy to. Things are a certain way because that’s just the way they are because someone prescribed them that way. And we’re waking up.
What what is the courage that it takes for you to be out on the leading edge to be able to do this? Because you’re gonna, because you have to be willing to be able to have people go, Oh, are you okay? What? So I mean, it’s, it’s, it’s
And I go like this, like, teach teach.
I thought it was bring it on, bring it.
And I and I actually I say, Listen, we read my book, and then go to Amazon and leave a review. And I can even this even a crunchy one, even one that isn’t glowing. That’s how I have to learn these things. That’s part of my liminal Odyssey. I have to be able to clear all the stuff that doesn’t serve me. I don’t have to agree with you. But you know, when you’re talking about courage, yeah, vulnerability is required if you’re going to sit down and write a book, right?
Oh, my God. Yes.
Yeah, and it’s required in a limit a lot of sleep. And I think you’re only as strong as your willingness to be vulnerable.
Well, I want to ask you Liminal Odyssey how’d you come up with the title?
You know, I didn’t set out to write a book about liminal space. I did not even know what liminal meant until about a year ago. And even then I learned it to me threshold, and the space between crisis and choice or crisis and action. And, you know, before that, I was starting to write a, I’ve been trying to write a story about something that happened in the 1982 at the Rose Bowl at a no nukes rally called Peace Sunday. I’ve told this story before. It’s a remarkable story. It had some synchronistic stories that lasted over the course of 30 years. And like, I got to tell the story, or others are saying you’ve got to tell the story. But I didn’t have enough of the story to write. And as I’m, as I’m sitting down to write it again. I started really paying attention to what was going on inside of me what caused what what it was that prompted me in that moment to create what was a wave of a critical mass to care about a single dog in the midst of 100,000 people that unknown next rally. The last 12 hours. Tell us about the dog. What about the dog?
Yeah, so it was no nukes rally and music festival. It was tucked right between Woodstock and Live Aid. It was a cause concert. So in between the activists and the speakers and musicians. There were moments of silence Now earlier in the day. The emcee hit a rider right from the very start, the emcee came to the microphone, and said, Hey, we just got a report from the parking lot. Somebody left their dog in the car. If that’s your job, please go roll your windows down. There was a low grade blue and then you know everyone forgot about it except for me. Speaker I think it was Reverend Jesse Jackson comes to the microphone says some words of wisdom leads and before the band can start playing the first band. I think it was todo I don’t remember. Taj Mahal it was Taj Mahal.
Sitting, started singing or playing their music. I just started chat. Shouting, what about the dog? What about the dog? I was relentless. I was the relentless irritans. So they would have to answer I’m thinking surely they care about the dog. Surely they’ll report back. And then my moment came again. After the band was done before the next speaker come to the mic. I started again, only now my friends started with me. Didn’t take long before a whole section started. By noon, the whole stadium was chanting. What about the dog? It took off without me and lasted until 10 o’clock it well? No, it was more like seven o’clock when the emcee came to the microphone and said, so you want to know about the dog?
The dog is fine. Now odds are they just realized they would have to come then, you know answer that the question of the day because Mr. Stevie Wonder was coming and asking for five minutes of silence for to pray for world peace. But that was a story that I had no other story to tell it and about one, you know, time 15 or 20 years later. And then someone said, Wow, that’s a great story. You should really tell that story. And it grew legs on its own. And I sat down to write about what was going on inside of me. They got me to open my mouth. And I’m like, Oh, I’m, I get liminal. Now. I get Okay, there was my crisis. And here’s my call to action in the hero’s journey, and what was going on inside me, reverent listening, I read reverent listening. So the more I started writing about that experience, and what was going on inside of me, and what was reverent listening, the sacred art of listening, other stories started, kind of, you know, lining up, and they were all wildly synchronistic. And they were all anchored in a different skill, whether it was whether it’s the trust frequency, that’s a chapter in my book, recognizing your archetype. And I frame that in the goddess archetype, Maiden, mother and crone which you can also be all three at a time, which I play my living generally.
And listening to your body and understanding mindfulness in a different way. So each story is anchored with a different skill set. And then I stood back and I went, Oh, wait, all those skills together, I pulled them out. And I looked at them. And I’m like, independently, they’ve all got merit independently. They’re all really powerful and respected practices. And they are all practices, which by the way, neuro neuroplasticity and how Dr. James Doty, who has also been a guest has influenced me greatly. And, but what happens when you practice them together? There’s that coherence, there’s that coherence that were that were the individual skills, collectively are greater than the sum of their parts. So we have to practice Reverend listening in order for us to understand trust for us to understand, you know, the biology and how our, our body is wired, for compassion, how to understand what the multi sensory perceptions are, Gary Zooka speaks to understand that thoughts happen outside of ourselves that Dr. James Lipton talks about, and James Hillman and all those that came before him, and and you know, of course, giving credit respectfully, but how, collectively they are interdependent, mutually supportive, and create their own constellation. And like, Okay, this is sounding like a preachy book. I don’t, I don’t, I’m not going to write a preachy book, because, like I said, I’m here to learn.
And, wait, what would happen if I took other like, air Aveda, which I did, or the chakra systems and understanding crystals and all of that, or whatever skills that you, you as the reader, you know, find super helpful, what happens when you just put them in that petri dish and mix it up? It works, it works, you know, for everything. So, yeah, I’ve got, I’ve kind of like, I’m looking at a bookshelf with 300 books, and probably 250 different modalities and methodologies, but they’re single. They’re single processes. What happens when you take all the processes we already know, that worked for us, and put them together?
That’s the liminal Odyssey, when you can stop in the spaces in between, and apply those skills and expand what may seem like a mundane, otherwise unremarkable experience like an MC saying, hey, somebody left their dog in the car. So it’s still going on and still having synchronistic events from that. It didn’t make it into the book, by the way.
Not the maybe not this book.
I keep going back to the dog. And, you know, what started out as you as an individual and then two people to make a wave 100,000 people making that wave? It hit me like a tsunami. And how long has it been how many years and it was so powerful the way you wrote it, and the way you shared it… it really hit me. Like it’s hit me now. And so yeah, and that’s just the start of the book.
This is, this is so holy to watch to see to participate in this because this, what I love about what the precursor to that time, is how quickly we can connect on the internet. Now, how quickly we can get a wonderful idea out there, how quickly we can get the opportunity to be able to let people know what’s wonderful, we in the news business have been lazy and lazy in the sense that we will, we will only focus on something that is sensational. Whereas something that is powerful, this liminal space between being able to sit there in this, in this space is, is where it all happens. Without it, nothing else occurs.
I actually talk about in the sacred art of listening, talking about how we’ve been duped that to receive so much information so quickly just look at TV commercials, right? Absorb all this information, but there’s not enough time to stop and think, Is that really what I consider happiness? Is that going to make my life better if I buy that car? Yeah, you know, but I do have time to call the number, right. I can read that I can remember that number. But I can’t remember to stop in the moment. sacred art of listening, by the way is how to prepare to listen, not the act of listening, but the How to Prepare to listen. And so
I think it’s really important to, to really pay attention to how much we listen. And that’s a practice. It is a habit to form. And we can do that through neuroplasticity all of these skills can be practiced and accomplished just like any other habit, you want to form that repetition.
What is this book, leading you to do differently in your life than you had before? Because something is, it’s palpable. There is some there’s something that is so dynamic about where you are right now and what you’re bringing, which is going to bring opportunities that are increasing and what you’re what you’re doing. I’m fascinated to know what’s going on.
Wow, thank you so much. My first answer is I don’t know. Which is my favorite thing to say. Because that means I’m not attached. That means I can really listen and pay attention. And that is so against the character of who I used to be. Right. I used to feel like I need to be in control. I need a chart my way. I’ve got my goals. We have a vision board. We know ultimately, we want to have this house on the beach, you know, with all you know, certain material things actually. On the sidelines with our grandkids playing soccer, no doubt about that. And I believe that could happen, or will happen. I should say, I believe that will happen. But in terms of where I’m going, how has it changed me with your question? Or what have I noticed in myself?
Let’s let’s just put what are you noticing, right, right now as it’s happening?
Oh, yeah. Big difference there. Yeah, the time fulness my, the word that I coined time fulness time for like being mindful. But now we’re being timeful. So it’s like, it’s not just taking a pause and collecting yourself, which it does involve that it’s going okay, what’s going on in my body? What are my true are my trillion cells speaking to me right now? 37 trillion cells to be exact? Yeah. What are they saying to me? You know, how am I feeling in my body right now? What’s going on around me? What am I missing? You know, it’s really applying those those skills in in terms of time, fullness spaces in between. And I’m not so quick to judge. I’m definitely, um, more careful in my responses, care dash full in my responses. And I just am more courageous. Like, like, all a lot of the muck has just fallen away.
A lot of stuff that I realized, why aren’t I doing that? My Wait, am I not? I’m not. I’m not good enough. Or I’m not smart enough. I’m not educated enough. All that blah, blah, blah, that we hear that? You know, for years, women say to themselves way too much, and I can’t speak for men, I can only hear what I hear from say what I hear from women. And it’s not that it’s really embodying that. So they go, I’ve only got probably a good 3040 more years on this planet. Sure. So I’m gonna max it out the last 40 years have been sorry, my kids last six years. Subliminal, subliminal. So six. You know, my last six years have been incredibly wild and wonderful. And so yeah, and also, I was just talking about this the other day on another program about forgiveness. And looking at the big T traumas, a couple of witches share in the book. So talk about vulnerability.
The big T, the traumas that I had in a moment I would think, Oh my god, this is the worst possible thing that 30 years later, I would come to see where the greatest blessings. So I remember that now something’s not working out for me even something like being late. I’m like, Okay, what am I doing? Because I hate being late. And for me, that’s a, that there’s something that I must have been traumatized as a child because for me being late is like being rude. But I don’t want to be late. But But okay, I wonder what I’m being protected from right now. I wonder what’s going to happen on the other end, somebody sucks me in the throat figuratively breaks, my heart keeps me in bed for three months. That didn’t happen that long ago.
And I and I was, you know, really devastated. Yet. If that were to happen to me now I’d say, I can’t wait to see what this is all about. So that’s part of the time fulness to that I have only noticed happening me I didn’t necessarily will it practicing these other skills. And of course, writing about it Sure, sure does help, but really embodying it. You know, I’d be a hypocrite if I didn’t practice this stuff. And I do.
Oh, yes. But that’s, that’s really the whole key to it. I’ve never known a teacher. I’ve never known a teacher, that that impacted me that did not walk there first, did not do the walk first and then say, okay, there. That’s the teaching. That’s the teaching. And that’s what I’m getting from you, Sande, that’s what I’m getting an opportunity to be able to know. There is this opportunity, because I love to. I love to give part in forgive. And really, really the gift that there is for me what I am holding on to what I’m because I’ve got a lot of self, I grew up with a lot of we as men had a something that clay and I have both experienced that had a model out there, that we were supposed to live up to that inside of us when that’s not who I am. And this is allowing us this the patriarchy that we’re all wounded by the patriarchy in the sense that it allows us to be able to let go that to be able to have that to, for me to embody who I am. And whoever that is. And that’s what I get from you. There’s such an deep authenticity about about you, that just is profoundly moving. And no matter where you are right now,
I’m going to pick right up on that, Dennis, because, yeah, what about the dog? Every story that you share in there the vulnerability that you’re expressing in your book. Every story has real power to it. And I’m savoring it. If I can, I’m going to, because I really want us to, I really want to hear about this, I want to race to chapter 12.
Oh, thank you. And by the way, can I just go back and say, Clay, you helped me with forgiveness. Remember, we had a conversation while I was writing the book. So credit where credit’s due, you really helped me understand and you reframed everything for me. So you are totally in the fabric of you are in between the words on that chapter. So chapter 12.
About acorn rain in Birkenau. Yeah. Can you share about that?
Yeah, I was part of the one humanity Institute, a group of folks who are still in existence working on a project to build an education system right there in Auschwitz, right, adjacent to the grounds of the Auschwitz museum, the death camp, and we did a tour there. And then we went across the way to Birkenau which was another death camp. And while we were in the, by the way, while I was going through the tour, the very first thing I noticed after I walked through those very famous, wrought iron archway, words, work will set you free is what that says in German. I noticed the trees lining the walkways. Now they were rather young. But I imagined Gosh, I wonder maybe those trees have been here for about 80 years. Perhaps they have been here long enough. And we shot and I hugged one. That’s all I could do is think about the trees and what stories they absorbed and what scenes they saw on what did they witness and, and so I was really seeing this whole thing through the trees and then we get over to Birkenau And we’ve done the whole tour, guided by the way, and we get to the end of the, like a big park area, the end of the tour.
And there’s this big park area where they’re monuments and things and burnt down buildings. And there was this gorgeous grandmother’s oak tree. She her trunk was so big that my arms would probably take three sets of arms to get around her trunk. So I’m like, she’s been here a while. She’s witnessed it all. And I asked permission, and I wrap my arms around her ever so gently, and I can almost feel her exhale. I don’t think I wrote this in the book, I can still feel it felt like the trunk was just relax. And then all of a sudden, I hear raindrops behind me. And I look and I’m being showered by acorns.
And I turned in Nina Meyerhof, by the way, who wrote my forward in my book, and I sit, she was walking towards me, I gotta to see.
Again, like, what about the dog, I was wondering if it really happened. So I saw that. And so the acorn is run the acorn right there. So that, for me, what was so profound about that experience, and I can come around to maybe what reminded you about that with forgiveness. But you know, we’re all we all have, we’re all encoded like that seed. We’re all encoded with the potentiality of 10,000 forests. One oak tree can produce up to 10,000 forests, by all the seeds that potentially can draw, and plant and grow again. We have a design assignment, I believe, Aristotle calls that are calling where your passions meet the needs in the world, therein lies your calling. And it goes so much deeper than that, of course. Yeah, it’s about what is it that makes us come alive? And why aren’t we live in there? Because that’s, you know, where our potential gift is to the world. And maybe that’s what we all need to be showing up with.
So, for me, that’s, you know, the whole nut excuse the expression of the story. The next morning, I was up for a early jetlag stroll, which I was usually up around 4am. And I took a little walk in a quaint little town of us suites them, which is Polish frosh, Auschwitz, through Auschwitz, this polish fraud suites. And over this quaint little walking bridge, I stood right in the middle of with the river going right under me. And the lush greenery up and down the river bed was so pretty, and like I had done throughout the whole town, wondered where Jews would have hidden and I’m thinking, I wonder they hid there. But now, these these, the greenery is all home for new life for critters for birds, that face or putting oxygen in the air. And adjacent interesting. And then all of a sudden, I realized the river I was standing over was the very river that the concentration camps had dumped the ashes, prisoners into height, the height, the evidence. And I’m thinking, Oh, that’s why everything is so lush, because all of that greenery, UPS, all of those banks absorbed all those souls.
And then I saw souls in the tree and I trees and I heard this. We choose love. Of course, we choose love. Anything else does not serve our memory. And then I felt just go forth and be in love. And that is that’s a big, tall order to forgive that that remember, well, what are what would they all want us to be what they want us to be bitter down here.
I don’t see how it could be any other way.
Yeah. And I heard it from them. And it was so clear. And I can feel it now. Yeah. And the book was actually going to be called acorn rain and Birkenau. That was my working title. Because to me, that’s a culmination. The ability to recognize what was going on in that moment was the culmination of everything leading up to that point in the book.
You know, I think about that, I think about the concept of when when we think of either atheism or agnosticism more or and all the different spiritualities and it all comes down for me that God is Love it’s the actual I know I felt that I have felt God I have felt God because I have loved i that is the it filters through all my own biases and and limitations and all but but I get a chance to feel the right stuff. And the people that have that have that pure mainline of it Buddha or Jesus or any of the other great that you know, they all that what they did was to they were at one with perfect love. And that that love space. So that’s that’s where that’s where I choose to say that we none of us can be agnostic, because we feel love. And that love just we just happen to name it. We put a name on it and say okay, God and all that, but it’s but at its essence, it’s love.
I felt love several times during this call. I fall in love all day long, all day long. Especially with strangers. I mean, I mean, yeah, I love I love just watching people. I just feel the love. Yeah, Thomas Thomas Merton, and conjectures from a bystander. He talks about how he falls that he just had an epiphany that was it was the Epiphany, actually, the epiphany that he just loved all these people, and I was tears in their mind.
Sande. This just comes up a lot. And and I think it’s even been on the podcast before but this idea of inter generational trauma. And, what, can you talk about that a little bit?
Yeah, so thank you, that’s a big one. We are all carrying some baggage. Right? Our cellular memory has been loaded up. And, and a lot of it’s really good stuff, right? We’ve inherited some great stuff and with hair, inherited a lot of stuff that doesn’t serve us and keeps coming back around. And when I was noticing some patterns in my life with relationships, a friend said, You need to go ritualize it kind of go back and look at what what happened to you. Where that same kind of problem first emerged or could have first emerged in ritualize it then call in your ancestors and your angels or whoever you want to call in, and have conversations about it and ask good questions. And so kind of sent me on the path to looking into intergenerational trauma. And then, I found myself co producing a Passover Seder with Dr. Riane, Eisler, and, and Starhawk and some other amazing women and Dr. Rabbi Tirzah. Firestone based upon Rabbi Dr. Rabbi Tirzah, whose book wounds into wisdom, healing, intergenerational Jewish trauma is just significant. It’s just an incredible book, and you don’t have to be Jewish to read it. And in that, I recognized the patterns in my life, were not only coming down at a cellular level, but they were coming down to behaviors to know my mom and dad learned how to respond to certain situations and held certain belief systems and, and so on, that they picked up from their mothers and ancestors as well. So who knows how far back that’s gone. But at a cellular cellular level, we are programmed. You know, I would I would venture to say that as a Jew, I’m going to respond much more differently to the threat of an oligarch, let’s say, then, or a dictator, like Hitler, than somebody who isn’t Jewish, or maybe hasn’t gone through the Aspera. And because that is encoded in who we are, it’s part of our survival mechanism.
You know, Sande, it just, it just hit me. When I when I was thinking about Energen generational trauma. I’ve always thought about it. This is something to get over. This is something to get rid of. But yes, that’s true in a lot of senses. But there’s the trauma from our past generations also brings with it wisdom.
So alchemize is perhaps how I would put it, optimize it, embody it because it’s who you are. That’s another thing with forgiveness. I don’t want to forget the stuff that hurt me. It’s who I am, it informs me that I choose how, if I’m going to perpetuate the pain or the bliss, right?
I choose the direction to which I stand. I stand either toward the light or away from it. I can choose that.
Yeah, yeah, we have choice. And we forget that and you can discover that in liminal space. Oh, yeah. I don’t have to go that way. Oh, yeah, I have what it takes.
And that’s and I just, I find that so inspirational. And where are you where you’re going? So? So what is on your what is on your plate forward? Are you going on on tour? With the book are you going on? Now that we’re in in April of 2022? We’re coming out of a time of intro version where we’re all where we’ve had to be inside. And now we’re now we’re getting a chance to rejoin what, what kind of lessons? And what are you taking? Where are you going with this particular piece of work? Right now I’m recording the audio book.
And some cases, I’m saying the sentence was over three times.
I’m so glad you’re reading it, because that means that makes such a difference to me when an author reads her book, rather than rather than having having a wonderfully professional actor, it especially when it’s something that is deeply personal is this.
hank you, you know, the whole book has been that way for me from the cover to from cover to cover. Honestly, it’s it’s been deeply personal. And I wanted it to be in its highest integrity and authenticity. So although I don’t necessarily care for the sound of my own voice, I been encouraged by many and many saying the same thing as you that I should read it. And I’m glad I am. I’m glad I am
So glad. I’m sorry, isn’t that interesting that we would, we would find the sounds of our own voices, or the seeing ourselves seeing our image in some way. Different I’ve often felt, Sande, that, that, I don’t know if you’ve ever expected a bite of food to taste a certain way. And it just tastes different than what you expect. And it just, it’s just
It’s usually when I cook.
Well, but I think that’s the way it is with our boys. Because it goes through our belt goes through it goes through our brain, it’s it’s different in the same way that when we look ourselves in the mirror, we can never lose eye contact. So that when we see ourselves in a picture, it’s a different, it’s from a different perspective. So it makes us uncomfortable. But the more we do that, the more that you have this lovely voice that you can continue and let it be let it resonate with us, the more you’re going to enjoy it, the more that we’re going to get an opportunity to be able to have your to be able to have this this you do that that’s tremendous. It feels like something is shifting something something profound with a human being is is emerging. We talked about this before clay, you know, when we had on the podcast that that like, what would what would an evolutionary imperative be? What would it be when we were shifting from this to our next level of evolutionary state? And how would we be the conduits for that happening? We’re all midwives.
And that’s when we all wake up to say, no matter what we do, good are not so good. We’re midwifing this so I would like to believe that we’re we’re going everybody is going to be in their absolute impeccable integrity, showing up in their divine purpose in their divine purpose. Contributing and it’s gorgeous balance, I believe.
I agree. I’m going back to a previous comment about looking at ourselves in a mirror.
Yeah, that was good.
And it occurs to me that I know that I’ve learned a lot about myself the past couple of years because of zoom. Because I can see myself I can watch my mannerisms. And when I record I can hear the cause and the this is in the end so it’s almost like a self correcting or, or getting to know myself from a different vantage point.
Yeah, Dad, what about what about? What about appreciating your articulation how beautifully you speak, how kind you are, how the how creative and blessing that that you are. How about that, too?
Because that’s a really that’s a really good that’s a growth point isn’t it isn’t merely a corrective point, it is very much of an opportunity to be able to see ourselves through the through the lens of graciousness.
I feel that, you know, we’ve been talking now, I mean, over 100 podcasts, I think I want to ask you, though, in search of the new, compassionate male. And we’ve been on this journey, I don’t have the answer, but we’re asking the question. And we’re asking it out there. And I’m asking it inside myself. And I can’t help but feel like in the midst of all the chaos, all the trauma, all that’s happening right now, in this liminal space, that really, compassion is just right below the surface. And I’m going to speak about men specifically, that it’s there and it’s begging to get out. And we’re everything that we know is to push it down. And everything we know is falling down. It’s breaking. So with that breaking, the only can come out is our heart and compassion to balance the scale.
Well, as a fellow compassion activist. I agree. And it’s, it’s, you know, action. Compassion is, is a noun and a verb. Right, it’s in its we have a compassion nerve in our body. Our body is wired, as we heard from Jim Doty, our wire our body is wired for compassion. It’s who we are. And we’ve been denying it. Exactly. And it’s, it’s healthy for us. And it keeps us not only alive, and in community, that probably, I shouldn’t even say probably helps us live longer. I agree. I think every condition,
I think compassion could almost be considered the, the rubber band that has been stretched so far in the binary thinking that’s happening there. But this undercurrent of, of compassion that that rubber band not going to break. It’s going to hold and it will bring us back together again.
Yeah, well, I’m seeing it happen. That’s sprout, we can see.
That it is and so if, what if what’s going on now, Sande, and play if this, if this seed covering is what is appears is the chaos out there that is happening right now. But what is going to emerge as that seed covering gets down, that’s, that’s, it feels so strong. I so agree with you, Sande, that, that this is a process of subtraction, not addition, that we’re actually that I had our essence we are love, our we are we have this compat this essence of who we are that we have put these structures on top of. But as we remove them, as we peel this back, we get to the essence of who we are, and that’s beautiful. I mean, I I look into the eyes of people, and I see so much courage, and so much kindness and so much I agree with you about the strangers because when you can just look at someone’s face, even with a mask on and just smile at them and this they light up. I know it’s going to the world is going to be alright.
It’s so interesting. With the mask for me. I’ve learned to read eyes more than than before. And I’ve noticed I can sense or I can see pain, I can see happiness in the eyes. It before it was in the whole context of the whole body. But just looking there and it’s magical.
It’s it’s wild, crazy time. It really is an exciting, beautiful time to be on this planet. And I feel a huge responsibility to be in, in service to it. And and finding the courage through practicing the skills finding the courage to with every breath, showing up the best I can and I fall flat on my face sometimes I wasn’t the nicest I could be today with this customer service person on the phone. I apologize but like what was coming out, but we’re all human. But one thing we can be sure of that we have control over. And that is our integrity. And I can’t say this word enough Integrity and Authenticity. And I consciousness is rising. And we’re just, we’re just going into a different animal. I believe.
I do, too. I do, too. Oh, Sande, thank you so much for this time, this will, I’m going to wrap up my portion of this, I’m sure that there’ll be some wonderful after show that will be going. But I want to thank you for your, for your presence. And thank you for the opportunity to to experience you in real time. Because there is that there is an authenticity, I feel like I’m seeing the I’m seeing a soul in progress.
Thank you. Yeah, we all have an opportunity to free our soul. And that’s the only way to do it to live in our bliss.
Thank you, Clay. Thank you, Sande. And thank you, everyone who got an opportunity to join us on this episode of In Search of the New Compassionate male. We’ll see everyone back here soon.
That was so much fun. You’re right. It was the funnest conversation?
Well, I tell you, I’ve been so looking forward to this. And I’m serious. I’ve the book has really moved me.
And you move me so think or even?
Well, it’s it’s a it’s an inspiration for me. It takes incredible courage to share on the level that you shared. You hit it right on the nose. And you fold, this wasn’t I didn’t read this as a vanity book, right. I really felt like You wove your experiences into something to share. But your experiences were the kind of the backdrop to the real message.
Yeah. And you know what, what’s going? It’s so not like, knowing what was appropriate to put in the book. I just listen to my body. If if there was something rubbing me and I don’t think I would have this is another answer to to Genesis question about what am I noticing. There was a faint irritation going on behind my head with some things in the book and I’m like, Okay, I gotta go back. And either reread it and calm my nerves or whatever it is calm the calm the waters, or pull it out and see if I even need it. Yeah. And on more than one occasion, it required me to remove it completely. I’m like, Okay, I don’t need to tell that much of my story, or that’s not relevant. It’s not interesting. It’s getting way too personal. It’s not relevant to the story, you know, and it was all about listening to my body. And what felt right and what was there a rub.
Learning how to listen to my body is such a big deal. I’ve got I’ve got happy mad, glad and sad. Right? And, even that is in my head. What is your body feel when you’re sad? When we feel sad? No, no, no. What? What’s the visceral feeling? What is your body doing? Right? And it’s been this past couple of years. And well, I mean, since you and I’ve gotten to know each other, where I become more conscious of that. Oh, I’m feeling of my neck is stiff. You know? Oh, those are feelings.
Oh, yeah. And I’ve lost weight. Thinking. Am I full? I’m full. I don’t need any more. And I love to eat I lose weight so I can eat so out or, or I’m either I’m not hungry. Or I’m full. And I I you know, make my body happy. Oh, my earring. My earring I put on these earrings isn’t funny. I ended up not having to take them both off. But my earring was hurting me and I’m like, Okay, I only need to wear it for an hour. So, like, screws out. My ear hurts my I gotta love my body before my vanity. That’s why I only had one earring on when I came to the club and my hair was down.
Well and just learning that. It sounds so basic. It’s so fundamental.
It really is that easy. I mean, how are we built? We were built with this. We were built with this perfect machine. With an alert system, I think I use that expression. We have an alert system. You know, paying attention to my thoughts. My throat chakra is a big one for me. I once had one of the ambassadors of the charter for compassion women and girls. She had a, she and I had our own conversation. And she goes, she was Sande, unique, and she was a seer and you know really dialed in and she was you need to get yourself a blue stone. My daughter actually wrapped it in gold, so I could wear it on her necklace. You gotta get yourself a blue stunk as blue as the chakra up for the throat. And you need to meditate with it right here and ask yourself what aren’t what wants to be said that you’re not seeing? Or why aren’t you speaking your truth? Or why don’t you feel worthy enough in your voice? That was huge for me. So I’m always paying attention my throat. Is there’s something I have to say. Why aren’t the words flowing?
Yeah, you’ll get a kick out of this after my surgery in 2007. One of the first trips out that I went on was to a rock shop. And I don’t remember why we did it. But we went there looking around. And I was trying to figure out I didn’t know anything about crystals or any of that stuff. And I was picking through stuff. I don’t know what to get here. And this woman happened to be a standard this is this a will. What do you what do you what, what’s up, I said, Well, I’ve had this and this and this and I got this big scar and it’s done. You know? She said, Oh, rose quartz. And so I got some pieces of Rose Quartz. You’re gonna laugh but I taped those to my chest.
Oh, I’m not gonna laugh.
Yeah, I taped them to my chest and the healing this the scar that was forming. It went away. And I’ve just got this little line. And there’s something to that I read somewhere. It’s been years. It’s in one of my journals. Somebody identified 25 senses as opposed to six. And the one that comes to mind is the sense of what our eyes feel in light. That that’s a that we feel and different kinds of aching. It’s different than if I smashed my finger. You know, if you have bright light hits you in your eyes, you know there was a whole range of them and I was wondering when you were talking about the throat chakra if the throat chakra in itself is a different sense, that can be put in the category of taste smell.
Oh. Or is my is one my throat chakra is activated. Is it different than when my Sacral Chakra is activated? Or my whatever other chakras could be activated? Yeah. Oh, that there? There’s more. Wow, that’s really interesting. And as a matter of fact, on my kitchen table conversations for liminal Odyssey I’m having somebody come and talk about chakras and yeah.
Wow, I I want to enjoy editing this one.
Check out the latest episode of insert to the new compassionate mail on your favorite podcast station.
David Loye, Riane Eisler’s beloved husband and partner, died of Covid during the night of January 24, 2022. This was two days after they celebrated their 45th Anniversary. We invite you to join Riane Eisler in honoring and remembering David.
Dr. Eisler 00:07
No ordinary Soviets had to stand in line for toothbrushes. I mean for so we were served caviar. And we were in a very fancy hotel in the four years of our suite was a grand piano. And it was like what is following the same domination economic is the connection between what happens in childhood between gender between family and what happens in the state or tribe. So that he, a couple of years ago, radically reduce the penalties for family violence.
Welcome to In Search of the new compassionate male. My name is Clay Boykin, I support this podcast through my coaching practice. I help people visualize and harmonize find direction and meaning or simply get unstuck. Contact me at Clay Boykin calm for a free consultation. Now here’s the latest episode of In Search of the new compassionate male. Hello
World. It’s me Dennis and Welcome to In Search of the new compassionate male. I’m the co host of this particular podcast and I’m here with the founder clay Boykin. Hello clay.
Hi, Dennis. I’m thrilled today to have with us Dr. Riane Eisler. Dr. Islur is a cultural historian, attorney, a futurist, a social system scientist and author of I forgot how many books but some of the ones that you may recognize off the top is the chalice in the blade sacred pleasures, the real wealth of nations and the book that came out in 2019, nurturing our humanity, how domination and partnership shaped our brains lives in future. So Dr. Islur welcome.
Dr. Eisler 02:05
Thank you. And thank you Clay for starters, for the wonderful article that is actually on our website, Center for partnership.org. And for all the work that those of you are doing to really help men be human in the full sense of the word because it’s not only women who are challenging the old stereotypes, but men and that is such an important part of what I call the movement from nomination to partnership. So thank you.
You’re You’re You’re so welcome. Because this is what whatever I know that that we’re going to be able to work our way through this. This has to be a partnership, it has to be a collaboration. It has to be synergistic. One plus one is greater than two, and we’ve lived for so long in this zero sum. economic reality and that’s not how economics works as far as I understand it. And you’re talking about the new economy, how we’re going to create this and work in your work in economics and your your thoughts systems about the partnerships. Could you talk a little about this and what’s on your mind and heart?
Dr. Eisler 03:34
Let me start have Seaford may start with, on a more personal note, please. Because I have a great deal of passion for this work. And that passion is actually rooted deeply in my own early life as a child refugee with my parents, Nazi Europe, from Vietnam, where I was born, and very early in my life. And this is really directly now related to your question. I began to ask questions that I think most of us have asked at some point in our lives, does it have to be this way? When we humans have such a tremendous capacity, both women and men or consciousness for caring for creativity? Why has there been so much insensitivity, so much cruelty so much destructive test and start to do my multidisciplinary cross cultural trends historical study? To answer that question until much later, but I as you mentioned, Clay, I’m an assistive person and I’m interested in what kind of society will support our end No, I’m assuming capacity, as I said, we’re carrying the consciousness for creativity, rather than because we obviously also have laws, then we’re insensitivity, cruelty destructive. And in the course of this work, I, of course, look at our past that are present, and most importantly, at the possibilities for our future, including our economic possibilities with this book that came out of this study was the chalice in the blade. And then came sacred pleasure. And then a number of other books. And then I realized that I could not answer the questions of my childhood, by looking through the conventional lenses of capitalist versus socialist, west, north versus south, religious versus secular, etc. And I kept seeing these two configurations, the domination system and the partnerships this. And I then applied the, these two systems configurations, to the study of economics, which goes right to your question was the book called The Real wealth of nations. And something that really struck me is that the mindset that we have inherited, is so strange. It’s really our heritage from earlier more rigid domination times. And it is to the values of most important human work, which is the work of caring, what people are curious, and caring for our natural life support systems. And if you look at those, the work of Smith and Marx, you see that for them, this work was to be done for free by a woman in a male controlled household. Yes. And, you know, when we were supposed to take care of children of the sick, keep a clean and healthy, warm environment, which of course then translates into keeping a clean and healthy planetary environment.
Dr. Eisler 07:41
There is nothing in either capitalist or socialist theory about caring for nature, nature, as far as closeness and marks were concerned, is simply there to be exploited. That’s it. And as I said, the work of caring for people starting in first, that’s women’s work, be done in a male controlled for free, the male controlled household, and they call it reproductive rather than productive. So if you fast forward to GNP, that is what it reflects. It’s an economic ground, that simply excludes the three life sustaining sectors, without which we would not be here, without which there would be no economy, the natural economy, the volunteer community, economy, and the household. So when you’re asked me this question, it’s impossible to add to answer it in terms of the old debate that so many people are still engaged in capitalism versus socialism or communism. Frankly, a colleague of mine calls these old categories weapons of mass destruction. Our consciousness,
yes, and one of the things that I love about what you talked about duck price for was about how the, we measure GDP, and we do not take into account so much that the measurements are way off how and I love that if we were to take if we were to rearrange our rearrange what we measure that would account for taking care of our humanity and raising our children taking care of our planet, doing the volunteerism and have that, that that would very quickly give us an entirely different measure,
Dr. Eisler 09:51
completely studies a recent Australian study of the economic value now And then, you know, let’s talk in those terms of the work done for free, the household of caring for people, including children. But if that were included, it would constitute 50% 50% reported by Australian GDP. But as I said, GDP follows the same very limited approach of both Marx and Smith, even though both actually challenged some elements of what I call domination, economics, because it goes way back, it isn’t just neoliberalism, which is really a replay or trickle down economics, you know, it’s sort of a replay of this futile idea that goes on bottom, should content themselves with the scraps, right, dropping from the opulent tables of clothes on top, to Chinese emperors, into passions and to sheiks and to it really. Yes, I mean, it’s deeply rooted. And it is domination, economics, that we really are addressing this idea of top down, trickle down. Exactly, because
we’re seeing that we’re seeing that so much aren’t we try?
Yes. Gosh, I was just watching the news before we got onto this podcast. And they were talking about the huge palace that has been built off the books for Putin, hundreds of some odd 1000 square feet, just incredible place and underground, hockey, you know, field and, and so forth. And it’s speaks to exactly what you’re talking about. Dr. Islur?
Dr. Eisler 12:04
Oh, absolutely. Then, of course, I mean, I remember when I was invited to by Nordic women for peace, to miss them on a march to unlearning God. And they had previously done a peace march on Washington, DC. And the class structure was so clear, you know, ordinary Soviets had to stand in line for toothbrushes, I mean, for soap. But we were served caviar. And we were in a very fancy hotel. In the four years of our suite was a grand piano. It was like what is following the same domination, economic. But it’s interesting. And that really takes me to the configuration of the partnership of domination system. We recognize something that is inherent to the analysis of the systems, or systems analysis of the partnership, domination, social scale, because it’s always a better a good way. Nice the connection between what happens in childhood, between gender between family, and what happens in the state or tribe, so that he, a couple of years ago, radically reduce the penalties for family violence. Oh, I always recognize it. If you look at the Taliban, which is religious, and Eastern, or if you look at ISIS, the same thing or for men is Iran. Or if you look at Hitler’s backseat Germany, work for that matter Salus, former Soviet Union, they were always into strengthening or maintaining the kind of family but it is one of the real foundations are a highly punitive, rigidly male dominated authoritarian. It’s simple once you start looking for it, but we have, especially those of us who aren’t good educated in higher education, right. We’ve been taught, I mean, how I remember one day, sort of waking up, is it from, from what I today call the domination trends, and realizing that in all my years of so called Higher Education, there has hardly been anything by about or for people like me, women, such as for children, where we’ve been somewhere buried in so Domestic course or some family relations course is beginning to change the little bit. But not that much we were taught that the majority of humanity and anything pertaining to it to women and children, is not really important enough to be included in what we are taught is important knowledge and tools.
Were very, this, this is part of our mission. Because we believe we, we understand that we cannot, that this is not sustainable. We know that and so as we are in search for the new compassionate male, we are in search of that within ourselves, then both of us are in a journey of our own awakening through our own conscious and unconscious biases. Because from from our standpoint, from a we know that this is not working clay, you talked about that, that we men, the roles that we are assigned are very, all very often completely at odds with who we think we are, yet we we have to fit into some stereotype to be able to do it. You were talking so much about about trusting men clay, yes, as a Marine, Dr. Islur he was a Marine and went through all of the all of the the high, high concept male archetypes that that you would you would consider coming through this process.
You know, thanks, Dennis. There are many things that I learned. You know, one was that leadership is about servant leadership, even on the core. And there’s an undercurrent of compassion. And I didn’t have a name for it until out after I was out of the core, and began to look back and realize how even in situations like that, even in harm’s way that men taking care of men range taking care of Marines. John 1513, Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friend. That’s all compassion. And what genocide are the past couple of years? We believe that there’s an undercurrent, it’s men, compassionate man out there. And I would like to believe that that that momentum is growing, is rising. And I don’t see it out there on the news or anything, but when I’m talking with men and white men circle and so forth. It’s there. And, you know, my hope is that it’s able to really surface.
Dr. Eisler 18:07
and this can only surface if enough of us including men, like you and Dennis, that help men to give up the sport domination. Yes, real masculinity of not being like a woman. Because as long as we have the stereotype, that being like a woman is to be compassionate to be caring to be really gone violent. When you have this this problem that men face, I think that we are at a time when this very rigidly binary stereotype stereotypical which is necessary for domination systems because yes, later, but if you don’t have these rigid stereotypes, how can you rank code masculinity? Over femininity? Yes, men over women. But this said, Men, Judo here we’re talking about with thinks nothing of sending his, you know, his his soldiers to be killed. I mean, for millenia. Men in Domination systems that had to give nothing less than their lives because some guy on top like Putin wanted more in real estate.
Yes. Young men fighting old men’s wars. Yeah. You know, the one thing that came up on a podcast just last year, we were talking about in terms of solar and lunar energy, and it was Howard Tyson. He said, you know, play Think about it this way, you know, we all have this energy, we all have the solar and the lunar, we all have the male and the female aspects to ourselves. Think about it like this. The lunar leads in the solar executes. And I thought to myself, no, wait a second. But then I thought back and back to the core. This is where leadership comes from. And so if we men are out there, thinking we can leave just from the head, cut off it and not acknowledge the essence of who we totally are, then we’re really making a big mistake. And so to me, it’s this integration of head and art, it’s not one or the other. It’s the integration that that is a must.
Dr. Eisler 20:52
Well, I think that this is a good starting point. Because you are of course, still talking about domination archetypes here. The veil is equated with reason, I think of how reasonable our leaders Thank you for saying that. I so appreciate you saying that, please. It’s no young does this use was a mess when it came to gender stereotypes. I mean, his UNIMIN analysts? Yes. I’m the mus is active is Bula, you know, protagonist, and what is the Anima? It’s either man’s inspiration or nemesis. Right? Completely relational. And the truth is that we’re all relational to each other. And then one of the problems that men in Domination systems have had is that their models for masculinity have been that you have to excel you have to accomplish, you have to, and really, you know, I hear people talking about the problem is ego ism. And I have to laugh because women weren’t supposed to have an ego.
Oh, not the women. I know. I know, some pretty powerful women that goodness.
Dr. Eisler 22:23
Now you do. But you know, the old stereotype women were not protagonist.
How did you how did you as a young teen, as powerful as you are doctor as I mean, I because I feel it your your, your intellect, and your heart and your drive and is so strong? How did you as a as a teenager, and how did you react to the world? How did that? How did that what was that experience like?
Dr. Eisler 23:00
This night? No transformation is possible because I have, I have experienced, okay, I was kind of a mess as a teen. I mean, I wanted desperately to belong, because I’ve, I’ve been an outsider all my life. And, you know, I was obviously cast out from as an outsider. Before I was born, I was an outsider growing up in the industrial slums of nirvana. I was an outsider here in the United States. When I came, I even pledged a sorority, which I then disaffiliated from, but I had no gender consciousness. I mean, I, I have to tell you, and that lasted into my 30s. Okay. I when I graduated UCLA law school, I was looking for a part time job with a entertainment law firm. That’s where my head was. It wasn’t, by the way. I mean, what it’s about is massaging people’s egos and counting, helping them count their money, or increase their money, but the head of the firm called me in one day to compliment me on some work I had done. And you know what he said to me, and he meant it as a compliment. But what’s much worse is I took it as a compliment. You don’t even great job to don’t think like a woman. And I took it as a compliment. But this is the kind of thinking of being socialized, you bet. And so it wasn’t really until I sort of woke up. List domination trends My 30s that went along with 1000s of other women.
Yes, yeah. And What years were these?
Dr. Eisler 25:10
What years were about the 60s, the 60. So this was during Exactly. So this, this was when we first began in the Women’s Liberation Movement here in the United States when it wouldn’t when it was, I mean, it had begun. And of course, it was earlier than that. But when we began to get some momentum and going toward that, and getting the era started to started to be passed,
Dr. Eisler 25:34
well, and I wrote the only last paper where on the proposed Equal Rights Amendment, it’s called the equal rights handbook was published by A, but it’s still available online. And unfortunately, it’s still relevant. But I really want to return now to the the intimate partnership aspects of my life, please, my second word for the love of my life. My husband, David Loy. We’re together for 45 years, and who recently died, and I will be left without him. But he was a caring man that he worked with me on the equal rights handled this way to Africa, to the Robie conference UN Conference on Women in writing a deep dive. And caring is not a human characteristic for goodness sake. And the fact that it’s been so, so suppressed in our culture, especially in men, but also in some women, we all know that no caring men and we know women who are not caring. And we know that people who are stuck in these gender stereotypes. And by the way, the study that I cite, in nurturing our humanity is very interesting. People who voted for Trump, the US election, one thing they had in common was not economic hardship. I mean, that was okay. But two things were the very interesting around which fit was the configuration, which I really have to tell you about at this summit. was one thing was a horror of women who stepped outside the domination stereotype of femininity. In other words, people like Hillary Clinton, people, you know, women who were assertive. Yes. But the other thing, which is fascinating, and it’s so much with the configuration of the combination of partnership systems, is that in times in terms of what they were trying to teach their children and help their children realize, wasn’t curiosity wasn’t empathy. It was really more obedience, conformity. And of course, it makes sense, doesn’t it? And women have become many women. I mean, look at 70 million people voted for Mr. Trump. Yes, many of them were female. They have internalized this, which takes me to the configuration which I do want to share at some point, because
I want to I know that it broke my heart, Doctor eyes or when because I, I had I believed that Hillary Clinton was going to be that every every woman would secretly who was who was outwardly Republican would secretly go into the, into the ballot box and, and it was the it was the 20th anniversary of my what my wife and I that night, November the eighth, and we and we had our celebration all set, and my heart was broken. I mean, I couldn’t believe that women would not stand up. And then I said, I must, I must not have this right. There must be there. There’s something I’m missing.
Dr. Eisler 29:40
Well, I think that it just shows that what we’re talking about is not an issue of women against men or men against women. It really is an issue of changing the underlying worldview. And was it our economic system Family Systems, you know, I’ve mentioned already, I mean, the trend towards for example, authoritative, non violent rather than authoritarian and violent parent thing is very important partnership trends. The trend towards non binary, flexible, fluid gender roles. That’s the trend. We have to recognize this. And it’s very hard for people because if you look at the modern social movements, they’ve altered actually, the progressive social movements have all challenged the same thing, a tradition of domination, you know, whether it is a movement against the so called divinely ordained, right of kings to or of men, divinely ordained, right? Again, men to rule over women and children are of a quote superior divinely ordained that your your superior is to rule over inferior was all the way to the environmental movement. Challenging are ones hallowed conquest, and domination of nature. But they focus on trying to dismantle the top of the combination of politics and economics is conventional. And pretty much a secondary to women’s movements with children’s rights, movement, spirituality, movement, etc. All of which are there, you know, the foundations, and they were domination systems that kept rebuilding themselves, like in Russia, that authoritarian, punitive, rigidly male dominated family is still the ideal No. Really change
where you are going to talk doctor about the configuration in the reconfiguration? Could you bring that to us?
Dr. Eisler 32:05
I’d like to do that. Because as Einstein said, we cannot solve problems with the same consciousness that created Thank you. And language is a very, very important that linguistic psychologists have long told us that the categories provided by a language. And this is particularly true of social categories. They channel our thinking. So it’s almost impossible to see a culture. So if you look at the conventional categories, for one thing, is kind of silly, that people don’t seem to notice when they start arguing about religious versus secular, Eastern versus Western or capitalist versus socialist, that there have been repressive violence regressive cultures in all these categories, and continue to be and they also don’t notice that these categories either marginalize or ignore or say they should be subservient, nothing less than the majority of humanity, women and children. Yes, now, we cannot have whole systems change, without taking into account these foundational relations, which Neuroscience tells us that what children observe or experience in their early years, shapes, nothing less than the architecture of art. So I’m proposing that we need to change our language about societies and start talking about shifting our cultures not from capitalism to socialism or from socialism to capitalism or not left to right or from right to left or whatever. But of shifting from domination to partnership, and there are four core components of these systems of figuration. One is a top down also rich area, structure in both the family and the state or tribe, the economics, etc. Okay. The second part of the figuration is something that is marginalized or ignored gender relations, and this is where you both come in, because we domination oriented societies invariably rank one form of humanity. male form over the female. Yes, and that is a template for you. equating difference beginning with this fundamental difference in form in our species with either superiority or inferiority, dominating or being dominated, being served or serving. So it’s a template for indoor versus outdoor thinking and you move to the partnership side, and you can see it in much of our prehistory. I wrote extensively about that in many of my blocks, because the evidence is overwhelming that for most of our human cultural evolution for 1000s of years, we oriented more to the partnership side and that the domination system shift occurred in the mainstream of culture will be about 5000 years ago,
yes, with the with the creation of private property with a concept.
Dr. Eisler 36:04
Not necessarily there are many, many theories about certainly technology, including agriculture. So, they turn towards the domination side, at a certain point, but the early agrarian societies, like shfm, Jolla, for example, in Turkey, in the plains of Turkey, which is the largest Neolithic site ever excavated, was more egalitarian, by the size of the houses by the types of grave was more gender balance. Ian Hodder with the archaeologists, who excavated most recently there has an article in Scientific American about really being born male or female, did not affect your status in life. And of course, there are no signs of distractions through warfare, or over a spy was yours.
Help me Dr. Eisler. What What was the timeframe that he was excavating? What what timeframe in the history was
Dr. Eisler 37:26
about? From about? I think about 6000. Before the Common Era, okay. Onward. But these were very early farming settlements. This was a huge town in the back exactly.
The way it was. It was a it was an amazing economy, wasn’t it? I mean, it was very.
Dr. Eisler 37:51
It was an amazing economy. I mean, we’ve been told so many false stories, stories that work, this notion that there are only two possibilities for us, we either dominate or were dominated. Think of the categories that are gender specific. matriarchy, patriarchy. I mean, yeah. Either women rule or men rule. The fathers or mothers. There is no partnership alternative.
Is there any word for it? Well,
Dr. Eisler 38:24
I coined the word guy, let me say it again. Di Lundy, Dinah, for a woman under a strong man and L in English for linking. wonder, why don’t you go back to me reading the chalice and the blade let me continue with the configuration because the amount of abuse and violence is very, very different in the Domination and the partnership system and to actually see the art changing radically. I mean, art is a symbolic language, you know? And if you It’s fascinating but if you really leave behind you know the conventional thinking of the linear evolution No. Evolution like everything else wasn’t even there. But anyway, domination systems require a high degree of abuse and violence all the way the wife and child breeding grounds, lynchings warfare, to maintain themselves because how else you maintain these rankings with men over man man or woman, race, civil race, religion, religion, etc. Partnership side yeah, there is some violence people lose it sometimes. But it isn’t built into this. And that makes a huge difference and of course, the forest part store Are we are we I mean, we’ve inherited the story that well, whether it’s selfish genes or original sin, the same story is that, yes, they fight each other. But with simply the same story, we’re bad, we have to be controlled.
So I’m just testing my understanding, you’re talking about the four being the family in childhood relations,
Dr. Eisler 40:34
then I’m talking about structure, structure. And I’m making the, the connection immediately between the structure in the family and the structure in this later drive. And I can give you a contemporary example, the countries that today ranked highest in the happiness reports, as well as very high in the world. Economic Forum’s Global Competitiveness reports, etc, are nations that have moved more to the partnership side are the European nations like Norway, Finland, Sweden. And they have, I mean, let’s look at the partnership structure here for a moment, because it’s not only in the family, but also in the Slater tribe. That is where democratic, they’re not socialists, they have more caring policies, because of the second component, because the status of women has risen, so that half approximately, of their national legislature is female. And as the Status of Women rises, men will no longer feel that this is an integral connection between changing male masculine stereotypes, and the devaluation, the hidden system of gendered values that we’ve been living with, and are trying to leave behind. Because as the Status of Women rises, men no longer feel it’s such a threat to their identities, to their status to their masculinity, to also embrace caring policies. So these nations at universal health care, very good quality, childcare, accessible, well paid, government supported. They have very generous paid parental leave for both mothers and fathers. And that’s precisely why we have such a successful business sector. You know, I, it makes me wonder, where, where’s the what flips the switch? What would cause them to begin to make this change? There’s many theories about it. One is the agriculture theory. And private property, which I certainly in some places, maybe it happened that way. But in Europe, in the area surrounding the Mediterranean, there is mounting evidence, including DNA studies showing that it was through armed invasion from the fringe areas of our globe, where as a matter of fact, the shift from gathering hunting was not to agriculture with to birdie. And herding, as we know from problem with cattle today is not a sustainable way of really, technologically speaking, it’s a lousy technology, because it depletes without giving back. But in these societies, for a number of reasons, and I deal with that in some detail, in my book sake with pleasure, which is kind of a heresies with it, there’s a message behind that. Well, you have it, of course I have it. Like you remember, I mean, like the bonobos, which are one, you know, one, one chapter in there. Yes. Our closest primate relatives, in difference is the common Chimp, but they’re much more partnership oriented and they share leisure. Yes, food, they share sex. I mean, it’s a completely different social organization. And we have that capacity As shown by these millennia. So we have to change our stories
are when you look at your grandchildren, Dr. Eisler for do you have? Does this bring you hope? Do you see a difference in their consciousness? And and what is going on with them? What what is your sense about what’s going on in the, in the race mind consciousness of humanity as you look out through the eyes of your grandchildren?
Dr. Eisler 45:33
Well, I think my grandchildren are very aware of them, that we need new thinking. I mean, they’re looking for it. But it’s really interesting because, you know, I used to be even I still occasionally still do, or give a lot of keynotes to major conferences. Yes. And people buy into this, when they hear me, pulled back by the culture. So it’s our job. And really, we owe it to our children and generations to come to start using the terms, partnership system domination. Because if we don’t, people will say, Well, what do you mean by that? Or what do you mean by a caring economics of partners? People will ask, but it’s up to the, to those of us who are agents of cultural change like you to, to start using different tools, and to start helping people to see connections that are made invisible by the domination chance.
I’m so glad to hear you say that because one of my quests in this life is to ask people and to really understand what is enough? Have you set that number by will ask a person have you set a number that you would know at least when you hit it when some economic or or or other marker would be hit you ago? Okay. Yeah, I’ve got it I’ve got because I don’t hear it being asked, and I don’t. And that’s just the mindset.
Dr. Eisler 47:24
Well, you know, in nurturing our humanity, there are studies showing that in societies where there is a lot of accumulation of the top, which by the way, domination economics creates artificial scarcity. I siphoning resources to top five cleaning services into Parliament’s weapons wars, and also by failing to invest in caring for people starting at service. I mean, children, especially for our post industrial knowledge, service economy, our most important assets for goodness sakes,
I love that doctor because when, when we talk, when I talk to friends of mine who describe themselves as conservative, I go, What a great word to conserve you, you don’t drive your car and never take it into the into the mechanic and put oil and take care of it. We take care. What is this wonderful word conservative? Why don’t what our what are we going to conserve and nurture and support?
Dr. Eisler 48:35
Well, but for the, quote, conservative mind, and there are studies in virtually our humanity showing that actually are very structure of our brains. People who consider themselves very conservative, have very rigid brains based on denial. And it’s related to the development of part of the brain that is not as well developed, as in people who are less quote, conservative, conservative and liberal, are pointless words for me. Just make us fight each other. Dr. Islur. While you’re talking about the brain, you made the point in a recent podcast that the pleasure centers light up in our brain when we care and share more than more than when we dominate. So so when I go win the football game, and I’m spiking, the football app feels great. But test not as great as feeling that I would my pleasure centers would light up when I’m caring and sharing is that that is EPS salutely True. And you know, many studies have shown that people are happier when they give. That’s what makes us feel good. But, but this empathy, this hearing has to be either suppressed or compartmentalized. So it only applies to the in group. In Domination systems, whether that in group, right, it’s the in group of code mankind, female, other or divided states, whether it’s whites versus blacks in the Middle East, whether it’s Shia versus Sunni, or Sunni versus Shia, it doesn’t really matter. And other rising, right. Yeah. Other right. And that’s really with that very basic model. Yeah. It’s not coincidental what I spoke about earlier, the correlation between wanting to either maintain or impose this is the punitive widget vo dominated authoritarian family, and what kind of regime?
Dennis, remember when we talked with Dr. Doty the other week, and one of the key points that was made was that compassion, empathy and compassion is, is innate, it’s part of our DNA, and it’s got to be nurtured. It has to be nurtured. And that’s, of course, the whole point of I mean, if there is a central point, and there are many points in nurturing our humanity, it is that it isn’t a question of genes. This is a question of gene expression. And that happens to action with our environment, especially in the first years, we can change. I mean, people can do did
a good doctor, I mean, you look at your evolution.
Dr. Eisler 52:06
I had a whole evolution. And David was really part of that evolution. And part of my journey. I can I can honestly say that, on a personal level partnership is just so wonderful is so pleasure.
Doctor, thank you for sharing David with us and bring him along in this. It’s very, he’s very palpable to me just in how you how you have shared how he is part of you today. And as as strong as as he is sitting right, sitting right within you.
Dr. Eisler 52:49
Well, they did some very important work. Because he wrote me tons of poetry, which I think is very good. I published a book called 100 days of love, this 100 days that we were together for a day. Oh, that’s another story. But he wrote he thought it was a pioneer in retelling the story of Darwin’s evolution, because at Davis word, Darwin has been used by the domination system is this 800 pound gorilla, to say, hey, what matters is, you know, the survival of the fittest was the fittest defined as the meanest right? And in his book on human evolution, Descent of Man, Darwin explicitly said, at the level of human evolution, random selection, and all these other mechanisms may fade in importance. What is important now is culture and love. He wrote so many times about love, and he actually apologized that for using the term survival of the fittest, which wasn’t history, it was a term. But anyway, so I highly recommend David’s book, Darwin’s last theory,
Doctor, thank you so much for giving us this opportunity just to spend some time with you. And to know the I guess, before I want to go if you if you could just tell me some of the VISTAs some of the things that curiosities that you’re going to be exploring in the near future,
Dr. Eisler 54:39
and I will continue to do my teaching. And by the way, on a center for partnership.org you can find a way to really take a self paced course called Changing our story, changing our lives and up Do it for groups and then you get to own the for videos and to use them yourself in your presentations as well as all of the resources on my list that I am now working on giving background to David’s extensive poetry in a book that I calling tentatively called for what was the title of one of his times, which is yet love remains.
God is how precious thank you for giving us this time today for spending your time here on this planet with us what we do, clay has Shepard this over 100 podcasts and when he said that we were going to have you it was like this was the ice this was the cherry on the ice cream sundae of our of our time to be able to be able to spend time with you and the grace that you brought to us and that you brought to the planet Dr. Eyes for thank you so much for your time.
Dr. Eisler 56:04
Thank you goes with a very very good for being you.
Thank you world and thank you everyone and we will see you next time on in search of the new compassionate mayor.
Check out the latest episode of In Search of the new compassionate mail on your favorite podcast Station.
James R. Doty, MD, is a clinical professor in the Department of Neurosurgery at Stanford University School of Medicine. He is also the founder and director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University of which His Holiness the Dalai Lama is the founding benefactor. He works with scientists from a number of disciplines examining the neural bases for compassion and altruism.
SPEAKERS – Dr. James Doty, Dennis Tardan, Clay Boykin
Dr. James Doty 00:05
And I think that the horrible fear of showing your vulnerability and allowing somebody to hold you to protect you to care for you is terrifying for many men, unfortunately. But it’s okay. It’s okay to say you know, I hurt. I’m in pain I’m not doing well I need you.
Clay Boykin 00:27
Hello, my name is Clay Boykin, and I am in search of the new compassionate male. A short while ago, we had the opportunity to have a conversation with Dr. James DoDI. Dr. Doty is a clinical professor in the Department of Neurosurgery at Stanford University School of Medicine. He is also the founder and director of the Center for compassion and altruism Research and Education at Stanford, of which His Holiness the Dalai Lama, is the founding benefactor, Dr. Doty works with scientists from a number of disciplines examining the neural basis for compassion and altruism. Let’s join that conversation.
Dennis Tardan 01:09
Hello, World. It’s me Dennis. And we are in search of the new compassionate male on the podcast. I’m the co host, and I’m here with the founder of the new compassionate male clay Boyken. Hello, Clay.
Clay Boykin 01:22
Hi, Dennis. You know, this is a wonderful day to day to have Dr. James Doty with us. And of all things. It’s episode 100. And I can think of no better person to have on our podcast today than Dr. Shane study. Thank you
Dennis Tardan 01:38
Welcome. You know, as we were doing the I was talking with clay before the podcast. And as we were, as I was watching your work, and watching the different videos of you, one of the things that struck me so much with Helen, tender you are, there’s such an openness and a tenderness in your heart when you speak of, of your childhood. When you speak of this, can you talk about how you can keep the science and all the exactitude that is there at the same time bring and keep that tenderness along? It just touches me so much?
Dr. James Doty 02:16
Well, it’s interesting, you ask that because of course, I’m a neurosurgeon most of the time, and which is very demanding, and one has to be highly focused. And actually, it’s a very technical exercise. So you can’t let your mind wander, you have to focus on the event at hand. And certainly after years, years of training, I’m extraordinarily good at that. But that being said, I’m also a human being. And I try never to forget that. And I think for some people, it’s very hard for them to shift from being completely focused on essentially a technical task without a component of humanity with it. Because that’s what you have to do when you do neurosurgery. But at the end of the day, and I tell my residents that the work I do as if you will a technician. Well, that’s extraordinarily important. My successes as a physician, equally, are attributable to being a authentic kind human being. And not to forget the importance of that, because when you connect with somebody on the level of their humanity, that causes them to relax, it causes their physiology to work much better. And in fact, it has several secondary effects, it boosts the immune system, it decreases the production of inflammatory proteins. And so overall, it’s a very good thing when you can incorporate the two of them. You know, being a doctor is just not a technical exercise or reading from a book. Fundamentally, medicine is an art and that combines both the technical aspect and the human aspect.
Dennis Tardan 04:19
Oh, that that is that is so powerful, because that’s where I want to work play. Now, what we were talking about was the, the, within the within the human, and as you look at that, I, I guess the human body, the emotional body, the spiritual body, the physical body, where compassion where that place arises, because that’s what we’re in search of. We both grew up men trying to figure out just exactly what is a man, what is the man and how do we focus against that and compare against it and fall short or however, we’re trying to figure out really do understand that and What role compassion has in that journey? So, as a neurosurgeon, and as a scientist, and as a spiritual Walker along this path? Can you talk about that?
Dr. James Doty 05:12
Sure. Well, I think if you look at the evolution of our species, as an example, a nuclear family, you know, the female was primarily the caregiver. And while the male theoretically protected the family, search for food, etc. And these have been the traditional roles that males and females have played with the mother being more nurturing and caring, while the father is placed this role of protector, which on some level also implies an aggressor. And while this certainly worked, during that period of time in our evolution, and also, as we evolved beyond that to hunter gatherer tribes, and you have to remember until 60,000 years ago, we actually lived in groups of 50, to 150. And it was critically important that a person did their job in this very harsh environment. And if a person was in pain was in suffering, by the nature of our evolution, we were highly attuned to that. And the interesting thing is, when you’re able to relieve another suffering, what happens is you actually get the release of oxytocin and other hormones, which are commonly called the love hormone, or caring hormone. And this made you feel good, and your reward centers were stimulated. But going back along this discussion about roles, what’s happened is though, as society has evolved, oftentimes, men feel very constrained because of the false aspects of what we’re supposed to do or how we’re supposed to act. And in fact, for some of your listeners, you may want to refer to a talk, I gave a TEDx talk at UN Plaza, which was called compassion, women’s empowerment and feminism. But the reason that’s appropriate today is because it was a discussion of gender roles. And it was not only a discussion of how many women want to escape what’s been defined as their gender roles. It also is a discussion about how men want to escape what has traditionally been defined as their gender roles. I’m sure, as you’ve seen from the various talks and things that I give, oftentimes, I’ll be on stage. And you mentioned telling my own personal history. Well, you know, this is very personal. And at times, I will, my voice will crack or I’ll shed a tear. And it’s interesting, because as soon as I do that, that gives everyone in the room permission to open up and show their own emotions. And it’s extraordinary, because I’ve never had anyone say to me, oh, jeez, you know, it was horrible that you broke up there and how you must have been embarrassed. Well, that one instance happened, which I’ll tell you about. But, but generally speaking, when you do show those types of emotions, it allows everyone to touch their humanity. And it’s very moving, because in modern society, unlike how we used to live a few 100 years ago, where you were born in a village, you knew everyone in the village who died in the village, everyone accepted you for who you were, you didn’t have to put on any pretenses because everyone knew you from the time you were a child. Exactly. In modern society. You’re not living with your relatives, your siblings, your parents, your grandparents, you’re working in environments where oftentimes you don’t know the people at all. So many people feel constrained, because of the fact that they feel that they’re going to be judged. And of course, it’s horribly sad, because when you’re worried about being judged, it limits you on what you are willing to tell. And then, of course, to have authentic real relationships and to connect, you have to be vulnerable. Well, if you won’t let yourself be vulnerable, you can’t really have a deep relationship. And therein lies the problem. But as I was saying, My repeated experience has been and this is speaking to literally 10s and 10s of 1000s of people.
Dr. James Doty 09:45
When I show my emotion, first of all, I don’t really care. But second of all, I’ve never had anybody not embrace me or want a hug. You know, I gave a talk a few years ago, you and Idaho at the Wellness festival. And they’re about 250 people there. And, you know, at the end of it, a woman said, Oh, that was so beautiful, can I hug you? And I said, Sure, well, then then 250 people lined up to be. But it shows, you know, the power of authenticity and vulnerability. Now, I did mention one exception to that. That which was after a talk I gave a woman came up to me. And she said, You know, I was so embarrassed for you, I noticed your voice cracked, you shed a tear and kind, you must have been felt horrible in front of all these people, and they were judging you, and on and on and on. And she said, which was fast. And she said, I’m a hypnotherapist and a psychiatrist. And if you come to me for three sessions, I can get rid of that for you.
Dennis Tardan 10:58
I have a feeling every hour that is.
Dr. James Doty 11:02
Well, and what’s sad about it is if this is what this woman believes is appropriate for psychotherapy, or intervention, it’s horribly sad, because she’s indicating she wants you to hide from your true self. But that being said, you know, being able to stand out and hold your truth, without fear of judgment is very, very hard for people. Right. And I think that’s part of the problem.
Clay Boykin 11:30
You know, I know watching some of your talks, there’s points where I can tell that it’s it’s welling in you. And every time I lean in, I find myself leaning into it. And, and I think that’s, that’s the human nature coming out. You’re talking about men and women and, you know, the wanting to basically change or shed where they’ve been, I’ve always wondered, I, I’m told that I’m gonna say this, we’re very clumsy, but a male brain and a female brain are wired different. Now, that was metaphor when I was growing up, but somebody want recently said, no, no, that’s really true.
Dr. James Doty 12:13
Well, on some level, that’s true. But fundamentally, though, at the end of the day, we’re all human beings. And yes, you know, the reality is most of the behaviors we have in terms of social position. I mean, they have a component of culture, and being involved and a genetic component, as an example, you’ll see individuals who, early on in life as an example, you know, the parent would say, Well, I knew when you were three or five, that you were gay, and, and nobody complained it, but in fact, it’s true. And so there certainly hormonal components, that, or developmental components that contribute to that, but that being said, we are not locked in to a role. And I think that you have to, though, be open, and not be afraid. And, you know, again, men are terribly afraid of being judged, especially by other men that they’re weak. Or that by showing love, compassion, caring, that this identifies them as not being a real man. And again, I my own repeated experience has been that has never been the case. But you have to be able to stand out and say, I don’t care. I don’t care.
Dennis Tardan 13:36
Doctor, Doctor, I want to ask you about that, though. Because for those of the watchers, the viewers and the listeners who don’t know this, they might think that you grew up in this wonderful compassionate home that taught you all of this and tell you but that’s not the case. You grew up in a very dysfunctional family with mental illness and alcoholism and and a lot of that, so getting you they’re getting you to the place where it was okay to connect with your feelings, that and that arc and that journey, to be able to do it two or three times and say, Well, this is okay, because those first times are important.
Dr. James Doty 14:16
I think that’s true. And I think when you grow up an environment like mine, as you describe, it is very challenging, because you’re filled with fear, anxiety.
Dennis Tardan 14:28
This year, you were filled with the sheriff. Next year. I just, I’m making sure that yeah, arguing about your your Yes.
Dr. James Doty 14:36
and hopelessness and and, you know, of course, when you’re fearful and anxious that obviously impedes your behavior. It impedes judgment. When you’re afraid it shuts down your executive control functionaries in your brain and as a result, you’re just trying to survive you’re not really thinking through your experience, yeah. And it limits you. But I was fortunate, and I think this is potentially true of everyone is that if you find one person who accepts you, who reaches out who loves you, who sees your potential, it can have a profound, profound effect. And I’m sure you have seen these, as an example, they’ll show up children in foster care. And I’ll start out trying to, you know, a five year old with a happy smile, playful, a Shawmut, seven, same dental show, I’m at nine, and he’s different at 12. He said do at 14, he’s been arrested for being a juvenile delinquent. And, and the sad thing is, you know, that part of you, which is so beautiful, can be destroyed by the nature of of difficult life. And that being said, though, each of us has the ability to reach out to someone and change their life, you just have to be attuned to that, and make the effort to do that.
Clay Boykin 16:12
Why it’s so true. I think back. Now, I think back of the older men, when I was young, when I was a preteen teenage, that were good men who were extending themselves to me. But already, I was at the place where I didn’t trust other men. And I look back on the wisdom that I missed at a young age, because of that, you know, the local barber, one of the wisest men in town. Of course, he knows everything about everybody. But but that was a real tragedy.
Dennis Tardan 16:53
It is. And I wonder about that, doctor, when you when we studied the effect of testosterone on concert consciousness? Can you talk about that?
Dr. James Doty 17:08
Sure. And, you know, I mean, you also see individuals who inject these types of drugs for, as an example, to improve their weightlifting and things like that. And, you know, if you have an excessive amount, of course, it can cause you to be very aggressive, and not being able to connect, because in some ways, it’s bringing the worst aspects of testosterone out and an individual. And so one does have to think about that and acknowledge that. But you know, I think you were talking about exposure to males, who if you will, have the right components to connect with you, you know, oftentimes, you can have an individual who nominally appear sort of gruff and disconnected, actually be extraordinary, tender, unkind, and it’s just, it’s a different way of expressing yourself. But it’s just as important. And, and, and I think, again, there are many, many men who have those attributes. But again, it just depends on the world that they’re forced, or have to live in, as to how much of that comes out. You know, it’s it’s very, very hard. You know, in my own situation, I actually, I was just talking to somebody on the phone, you know, I had a situation the other day where I was very focused on doing something that I had to get done, and that had certain consequences if I didn’t get done. And my younger son, who was 13, was asking me to help him with something. And I was very short with them. And, and then this led to this argument with my wife, which that evolved by 8018 year old son. And it became very heated before, you know, I realized it was getting out of control. And so look, I’m not immune to these things, either. I’m a human being. But that being said, you can reflect on these and think about these, and think about how you can be a better person. And so that’s the other part is, look, none of us are perfect human beings. What we have to recognize, though, is that the most important thing that connects us with others, and especially those who love us, is simply being kind and caring, and also reflective. So again, unfortunately, what happens to many people is that how they grew up results and how they behave today. It’s like you’re carrying baggage with yourself and you don’t understand that how you react actually doesn’t even have to do with the present event. It has to do with the baggage that you’re carrying the causes pain and suffering.
Clay Boykin 20:03
You know, I see that I fully agree with you. And then there’s circumstances or situations like yourself, where you did have a very tough, and you did have the opportunity to carry all that baggage with you through your life. But look where you are, you’ve made something different. You You’ve chosen a different path somewhere along the line.
Dr. James Doty 20:27
No, there is no question about that. To emphasize, though, you know, as an example, my wife says to me periodically, she’ll say, people call you Mr. Compassion, you’re just an asshole. So,
Dennis Tardan 20:44
thank you, I thank you, thank you for allowing me to know that I have, I get exactly the same.
Dr. James Doty 20:53
Yeah, so look, again, it just emphasizes we’re all human. But if we understand that reality and and accept our fallibility, you know, still okay, it’s just keeping sort of the light on the path and not deviating.
Dennis Tardan 21:14
I’m so glad that you said that. Because right now we’re in as clay and I have done a lot of work and to be an ally within the Black Lives Matter movement with within the work that we’ve been doing, and, and understanding that this idea of that we can actually study critical race theory, we can study racism, and it’s placed in the United States without diminishing the idea of the United States being this shining star on the Hill that we can possibly that we can hold two thoughts at the same time, instead of saying, like you were saying, like, you were saying that, that there are aspects, I will behave like an asshole. But that doesn’t mean that I am one, there’s just aspects of that behavior that I can balance out. And I can take them both at the same time.
Dr. James Doty 22:01
No, I think that’s true. You know, it’s like, tearing down all these monuments, whether it’s Churchill, even discussions about Abraham Lincoln, and all of these individuals who have had a huge overall positive influence on society. You know, if you look really closely, they’ve also had some very negative aspects about themselves or decisions they’ve made. And that is the nature of being a human being, I don’t think that we should destroy an individual who has accomplished a great deal in the positive sense, because of necessarily the negative aspects. That being said, it’s not to hide the negative aspects or the horrible components of them. It’s just to shine a light on both. And to say, this is what this person did, in terms of, you know, I think the Black Lives movement and critical race theory. You know, the sad thing is that there feels to be this need, because of a once I hate to say this, their white privilege, about telling the truth, that somehow by telling the truth, that that diminishes them, and you’re supposed to hide behind us. Yeah. Yeah, of course, that’s that should not be the case at all. Yeah, we should be able to stand up and say this, these are the facts, period. It’s not to sit there and somehow imply that there wasn’t fundamentally systemic racism that has been imbued in the structural components of American society, which have systematically been used to keep another group of people from progressing forward. And it is fact that you can’t hide it, you can’t bury it, it is fact and it needs to be accepted, acknowledge. And, you know, if you keep telling children, hiding the truth from them, all it does is make a child who is ignorant and make bad decisions. You know, this is unfortunately, the nature of oftentimes religion. You know, they want to hide a Inconvenient Truth, and you can’t do it. At the end of the day, children are going to resent the fact that you lied to them. And the fact that you keep, you know, inventing narratives that justify your own behavior is going to come to light and it’s that whole process is not at the end of the day going to benefit anybody.
Clay Boykin 24:41
Well, I, I’ve been fascinated with your book into the magic shop. And, matter of fact, I found it in an audio form and I was listening to it and fell asleep late in the night, about 330 in the morning, I woke up And it was the perfect thing for me to hear at the time. And it was towards the end of the book I hadn’t. I hadn’t read it yet. But one of the pieces that really struck me just one line says our journey is one of transcendence, not endless self reflection. We’d love to hear more about that.
Dr. James Doty 25:25
Sure. The, there’s nothing wrong with self reflection. And I do think that’s critically important. But the most important thing at the end of the day is a recognition of our oneness. Yes, and I think that, you know, we talked about Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, you know, we talk about self actualization. But I think more important, is this concept of transcendence, when you recognize that the other is yourself. Now, this is a very, very challenging, difficult journey, and one that is painful in some ways. But if you’re able to make that leap, then you realize that you cannot possibly do actions against another, because you’re harming yourself. And I think if people look through that lens at the other, then it would have a huge, huge positive impact on how they behave and how they contribute to society. You know, sadly, we have a wealthy class that unfortunately, instead of having gratitude for their position, they’re only looking up at what they don’t have. And they’re looking at the world through the lens of scarcity, instead of the lens of generosity, you know, we have within us the ability to, frankly solve everyone’s needs everyone. There’s actually immense abundance here. But you know, as an example, the United States, if you look at the top 10 industrial countries in the world, and what they spend on defense, you know, that the United States spends multiple multiples of what all the nine others spend, yet, if we took simply three or four days of what we spend on defense, we could solve poverty, we could solve homelessness, homelessness, we could give everyone an education, we could develop programs to feed the children. I mean, it would be extraordinary. Unfortunately, the nature of human beings, though, is oftentimes at least a subset of people is one of greed.
Dennis Tardan 27:46
But doctor, don’t, don’t you think that we could make the business case for peace? That it actually would solve that it would actually actually that this is good business that you would actually you would get customers? You would get healthy, healthy customers, you will have a vibrant economy economy for the global use, why can’t capitalist Misa capitalist, I’m a capitalist, I like to call myself the new vote capitalist, you know that you have more than one bottom line of different colors in this but there is a possibility that solving this and using that three or four days would actually benefit the economies and all the things that people who believe in this in the capitalistic theory would be wanting.
Dr. James Doty 28:34
Well, you’re absolutely correct. But the problem is we have gone from sort of just simple capitalism to ruthless capitalism.
Dennis Tardan 28:44
Yeah, we need more Ruth. We, when When Ruth left when Ruth left it broke my heart. I we were Ruth, I’m sorry. I’m doing Bader Ginsburg, humor. And I, you know, he was my hero. But anyhow, yes, we are ruthless copper.
Dr. James Doty 29:00
Yeah, I mean, what happens when you take that position is you want to take every penny off the table. And it’s horrible. If you look at as an example, CEO pay over the last few decades, it’s gone up almost 700%. I mean, that’s ridiculous. Who deserves to make a billion dollars a year, there’s not a single person. And the problem is that, you know, these people instead of going out and saying, you know, I’m so blessed to have 100 million 50 billion, or whatever the amount of money is, they feel a need to go out and buy a $500 million yacht. I mean, how ridiculous and you have a ton of these yachts that are worth hundreds of millions of dollars. And you have all of these people who have multiple, multi million dollar homes all over the world which sit empty the vast majority of time. I mean, it’s a complete waste of resources. When if you just impute a little kindness, compassion, thoughtfulness, you could It’ll be rewarded so much. The problem is that what happens is, all of us have an emptiness inside when we’re born. And the only thing that will fill that sense of emptiness or hollowness is being of service and caring for others. And the problem is that in modern Western society, we have a belief that wealth means success. Wealth means competence. Wealth is beautiful wealth gets you access, and ultimately makes you happy. And of course, you know, and I know that nothing could be further from the truth, some of the wealthiest people I know, are the most unhappy people. And
Dennis Tardan 30:40
when you actually know them, doctor, because you know, I mean, this is not theory, do you? You spend time around these people.
Dr. James Doty 30:51
Yes, I have spent a lot of time around these people. Now don’t get me wrong.
Dennis Tardan 30:56
I don’t mean No, I’m not I wasn’t making a huge generalization. But the generalization being, I mean, the specificity of it is that that will not get you happiness, that that in and of itself is not as a as a, you know, a ticket, a gate into this is not going to get you there.
Dr. James Doty 31:16
Oh, that’s right. I mean, see, but the problem is that these people confuse the adoration of people who want to be liked, as having meaning. And you see, they get they get confused with that. And then they manipulate it, right, because they want to keep getting accolades about how good they are. And you do that by showing off by getting a $500 million yacht by having people go, Wow, you’re amazing, you have 10 homes, you have, you’re driving this car, you have a collection of cars, you are so amazing. And you see they keep confusing people’s admiration with meaning. And, and then of course, the problem with society is that we have all of these people who think that if I just do this, if I just have this house, if I have this job, if I get paid this month, I’m going to be happy. And it’s, it’s a horrible situation, because it’s certainly not the case at all. And you know, from my own perspective, I climbed a lot of mountains thinking that if I just did this, I’ll be happy, and I’ll be secure. If I just did this. And at the top of every peak, there was another peak, and I was still not happy. And I would suggest you that when I held everything, I had nothing.
Dennis Tardan 32:30
So So let me ask you, when in your life, did it come as a dawning of a you know, like, when suddenly the sun rises? Did it come as an epiphany, did it come? What part of your life did you sit down and go, Wait a minute, this is not going to get me?
Dr. James Doty 32:49
Well, you know, Ruth, this woman in this magic shop who I met who gave me a lot of incredible insights. The problem was I was 12 when I received them. And I wasn’t self aware or wise. And I thought I understood the message and the message carried me a far distance. But what happened is, as I was just mentioning, each thing I accomplished, whether it was going to medical school becoming a neurosurgeon, during the professor becoming an entrepreneur, or whatever it was, the there was nothing but emptiness there. And I would hear I would have all of these friends who would admire me. And here I was driving around in Ferraris and Porsches, I was dating beautiful women, I lived in a huge penthouse. And, and I was never more miserable than I had ever been in my life. And the problem was, it was like eating food with no calories, you’re never satiated. And there’s a Tibetan mythology called The Hungry Ghost, which has this very narrow throat, and it can’t swallow. And, and what happened was, in 2000, I lost almost $80 million in six weeks, during the.com Bust. And, you know, I had, like I said, penthouse cars, all of this stuff. And I was effectively bankrupt. I you know, and what happens in those situations is two people become your best friends, your lawyer and your banker. And so I had to sell everything. I was about 3 million in the hole. I had absolutely nothing. And I went into this period of self reflection. And I did realize ultimately, as I tried to relive the lessons that this Ruth woman taught me how I had missed a part of it. And I had never been bad or selfish, if you will. But all of my actions were to assuage my own shame and insecurity about my background, and it wasn’t out of a deep sense of purpose to be of service to others. It was about hiding behind accomplishments hoping that people’s accolades would make me feel whole. And of course it didn’t. So when I reflected on that, I understood and I decided to change. And what happened was, interestingly enough, my lawyers told me that a donation I had made, they had not actually filed the paperwork. And in fact, I could keep all the money. And that ended up being about $30 million. But what I decided to do against everyone’s advice was I gave it all away $30 million to charity. And in some ways, it was a statement about what was important, and that all of those things would not make me whole yet. Here, I set up health clinics all over the world, I set up blood banks, I set up programs for adolescents affected by AIDS, HIV, I set up programs for the disabled, I endowed professorships, funded research. And in some ways, all of those actions made me whole again, and a feeling that I was in fact of service. And that actually has allowed me to do extraordinary things. It allowed me to set up the center at Stanford that focuses on compassion, it allowed me to become friends with the Dalai Lama, it allowed me to become friends with spiritual and religious leaders around the world. And it allowed me to be able to, frankly, be comfortable with who I am.
Dennis Tardan 36:36
Doctor, one of one of the most beautiful words that I hear you use, is recognize to re cognize because I knew this all along, no great spiritual truth that I’ve ever come upon has been other than, ah, I knew that. And to re cognize and to continue to go back. What a beautiful use of that word.
Dr. James Doty 37:04
Well, again, I was very blessed. And I think that the other thing that many people carry with them is a narrative that oftentimes we believe is truth. Yes. And this is the narrative that says, I’m not good enough. I’m not smart enough. I’m not worthy. I’m an imposter. And I think this is particularly common in men who were struggling themselves. And what I thought was that that was truth that it emanated from some place that that voice was the truth. And what I recognized was, it was not the truth at all, that unfortunately, as a species, negative commentary, and negative events, have had the beneficial effect of allowing our species to survive. But unfortunately, they’re extraordinarily sticky. And even though they’re unrelated to our survival, they stick with us. And that’s where this negative narrative comes along. And when you recognize that, and you make efforts to change the narrative from one of negativity to positivity, what it does is it actually liberate you, because you see, when you’re carrying those messages all the time, it’s as if every time you say, a statement, it’s as if you’re laying a brick down to create a self imposed prison for yourself. And when you understand the falsity of that narrative, it breaks down the walls and it lets light in. And you can see this incredible power you have within yourself, to manifest what you want, and to be of service to others. And when you realize the power you have when you realize that within you is the ability to positively not only change your life, but the lives of others around you. It’s really quite extraordinary. And it’s and it’s beautiful. And I think that this idea of liberation towards transcendence is really the key aspect of what we’re talking about.
Clay Boykin 39:14
You know, just going to interject because I do a lot of work with men and men circle and we’ve got the network that’s, you know, several places around the world. And I get frustrated because I see us seemingly endless self reflection. And sometimes I want to just stand up like come on, let’s go do something. And it’s hard to make that turn that turn. I see it all the time. I was that way myself. You know, I I spent several years trying to break free of that self reflection that manifested with depression after severe illness. And I believe that there’s a whole population of men out there, they do they have this hole, they’re stuck. And but they’re good if they could just hear the right thing at the right time. And take action, things would be different for them.
Dr. James Doty 40:23
Well, I think part of it also is the situation in America right now as an example, where you, you know, you have men in their late 30s, early 40s. And they have a perception that they’re supposed to be the breadwinner, they’re supposed to protect their family. And the problem is that if you’re not well educated, and you’re at a minimum wage job, you can’t even take care of yourself, much less your family, we don’t have a living wage, we have a minimum wage. And then when you, as an example, have the pharmaceutical industrial complex pushing opioids out there, because they paid off politicians, and you have people who are suffering and trying to just get by, will they become victims to this, which of course, then not only destroys them, but it destroys everyone around them. And I think that it’s very, very hard to be a man. And it’s very, very hard. You know, there’s an assumption as an example, look, I went to college medical school, but the fact of the matter is, in most parts of the country, the group of people have bachelor’s degrees is less than 5%. Yep. And so we’re looking through this lens. And here I’m at Stanford, I talk to, and interact with some of the most brilliant people in the world.
Dennis Tardan 41:55
But the factory map one, one part of 1%,
Dr. James Doty 41:58
yes. And so you make this assumption that that’s the way the world works. And it’s not whatsoever, the vast majority of people actually don’t have a bachelor’s degree. In fact, probably only two thirds of them to 75% have completed high school even. So you have to look at the situation through that lens, which is the reality lens. And when you have people who are struggling, who don’t have the resources of education, or a situation where they live, there are jobs, which can pay them which an affordable wage, so they can live a life. I mean, imagine if you’re in your 40s, and you have a perception that you have no future, there’s no job, you’re not educated enough. You have a family with children, I mean, and you have access to opioids,
Dennis Tardan 42:51
and you have credit card debt, and you and and you’re seeing on television, all and all the media, the ways you should live and everything that is reinforcing all the that whatever it is that you’re looking for, is outside.
Dr. James Doty 43:06
Now that’s exactly right. And so we have created a horrible situation that is not supportive of this individual. You know, it is as if there are agendas within certain political parties that somehow believe that having a social safety net that somehow believe caring for others, caring for children, is a weakness. And if you were in that position, it is your fault, and you are a failure, where it is not I don’t know a single person who likes to be poor. I certainly did not like to be poor. And and I also know very, very few people who if given the opportunity wouldn’t be happy to work, to have a livable wage to care for their family. This is a completely false narrative that somehow there are these loafers who are trying to take advantage of a system. I have
Dennis Tardan 44:01
never met them. I know I know people I have met people and all and I they aren’t they are not their doctor. So how do we what we’re looking for as part of this, how do we change that narrative? Because somewhere, let’s let’s assume that in 100 years, everything has changed. We understand that, you know, we’ve helped to rewire and see that positivity can be as sticky as negativity. We’ve been able to but we were not there. We’re here. So what are the things that you’re doing and the initiatives that you’re involved in that are moving that are moving the conversation and moving the because you’re you’re blessed us so much to give us this time? You’re you’re not spinning it somewhere else. So what what is going on you and you and what you’re doing
Dr. James Doty 44:51
well all of us are just doing the best we can so
Dr. James Doty 45:01
You know, one of the things I’ve spent a fair amount of time on is trying to develop techniques, intervention techniques that allow individuals to be kinder to themselves. Because when you’re, when you’re kind to yourself, it changes the lens through which you see the world. Because you recognize that while you may have your own suffering, which has a tendency to distract you from everything else, we’re able to actually see the reality that everyone is suffering in different ways. And the very nature of that understanding makes you much more thoughtful, kinder, and gentler to people. And I think that’s very, very important. But the other aspect here, unfortunately, is we have a political system that instead of coming together and holding hands, and saying, how do we best move forward together, it’s one that says, I don’t want to hold hands with you, I don’t like you, you’re wrong. And unfortunately, that never gets you anywhere. And so the reality is, we have to not denigrate others opinions, but look through the lens of empathy and try to understand why people have come up with different worldviews that actually oftentimes don’t benefit them. You know, they’re, I don’t know, anyone who isn’t actually trying to improve the world in general, except for potentially individuals who are motivated by greed and power, and who manipulate the weaknesses and fears of others. But in general, most people want to live a life in which they have a job in which they can care for their families, and go about their daily business, they don’t want to be in culture wars, they don’t want to fight people in general, this is all created by a narrative that somehow the other took something away from you which you deserve, and that they’re keeping you from benefiting. And whether you want to create the enemy of the minority, the enemy, defined as the immigrant, you know, those are false narratives. That’s not the problem. The problem is that we have sold ourselves in some ways, to the corporate, ruthless, capitalistic perception of how the world works. And when you rein in these people, when you stop them, as an example, corporate entities from giving significant donations to politicians, when you change the political system, that you have a certain amount of money each politician gets once they get to a certain level of advancement in the system, that’s when you’ll see all of these things fall apart,
Dennis Tardan 47:47
which means then you have to sell your ideas, you actually have to convince people and get them to come along with you instead of just buying your way into the next level. Yes,
Dr. James Doty 47:59
and and, you know, we used to have this thing that required actually some degree of truth in the media, because you see, we don’t have news anymore, but we have his opinion, which is being promoted as truth. And it’s not at all. And again, you know, as an example, it’s sort of interesting, you look at a show, as an example, where somebody’s promoting a false narrative about the pandemic, yet they’re fully vaccinated, they show up at work, they have to wear masks, they have to do all of these things. Yet they’re saying, don’t get vaccinated don’t do this. It’s all a plot against you to take your your freedoms away. Well, again, and this is the sad thing, because again, it gets back to the exact same thing. It’s all about the money.
Dennis Tardan 48:42
What we’re doing, Dr. Is that’s why we have you on today. That’s why we are in search of the new compassionate male because we believe like you because we put compassion in the same family as conscious as, as kindness. It has, it has that that if we do this, if we help to spread this word, if we are able to get the message that you’re talking out more, helping that to be sticky, we can actually make a difference in the direction the vector that that we’re going in?
Dr. James Doty 49:16
Well, that’s what I believe. And if I didn’t believe that I certainly want to do I would say, though, that again, when you hear people who disagree with you, whether it’s from the right or the left,
Dennis Tardan 49:30
what you do, right you get you get you get Pete, how do you handle it? What do you do when, when you are in a position like that so you can help us to model it?
Dr. James Doty 49:41
Well, I think the first thing you do is you don’t judge people and you’re open. And if you just sit down with somebody and just talk to them to understand how they got to their position, then oftentimes it results in you changing your position There are them changing their positions. And also it allows you to disagree. But work together to compromise. You see, that’s what we need here. When people are positioned themselves on the far extremes, nothing gets done other than screaming and yelling, if you sit there and say, Well, I don’t necessarily agree with that. But I understand where you’re coming from, I’m potentially willing to do this, if you’re willing to do that. This is how politics should work. It’s because at the end of the day, we’re all in this together. And when you cooperate, when you compromise, when you’re a little more thoughtful, when you’re not perceiving the others, as trying to get something over on you or take advantage of you, but that we’re all just trying to make the world a better place, then I think that is much more likely to accomplish something positive, then screaming at each other, and essentially have everything come to a standstill. And when we also recognize that many politicians, their purpose is not to bring us together, their purpose is to keep us apart. It’s like the media, you know, the media only makes money if there’s divisiveness, right? That’s why they get paid when things are devices become divisive, because the evolution of our species is that when everything is perfect for us, we’re happy, we don’t care about anything. Yet, if somebody tells you somebody’s trying to steal something from you, or every action they’re doing is to take one of your personal freedoms away, that gets our attention. Because again, we’re much more attuned to negative, then we are tuned to positives. I
Clay Boykin 51:43
remember back in the 60s as a little kid, and we were watching Walter Cronkite. And one day, there were two news casters, talking to one another about something. And a dad said, when the newscasters start interviewing each other, we’re all in trouble. And is that not what we have today? But would it come back to something earlier, you you’re talking about, we all suffer. And I equate that suffering? That we’re all wounded. We all have different wounds. But that common ground and this is something I learned in the gender equity and reconciliation, work with that organization, and recognizing, not whose wound is worse than the others, but that that’s our common ground. And it’s from that place of woundedness, that so many of us come out, and we come out in rage or in fear. We don’t come out or as our best self, but if we can look at if I can look at another person and recognize that that person’s wounded in that’s not who that person really is. And I agree.
Dr. James Doty 53:06
Yeah. Well, I think that comes back to this point of this kindness and gentleness towards others. Yeah. And look, I think, frankly, all of us just want to be held and feel protected. Thank you. And I think that the horrible fear of showing your vulnerability, and allowing somebody to hold you to protect you to care for you, is terrifying for many men, unfortunately. But it’s okay. It’s okay to say, you know, I hurt, I’m in pain I’m not doing well, I need you.
Dennis Tardan 53:42
Thank you. I see that in athletics. I see that when you know, when an athlete is hurt on the field, and the people gather around him, and they hold him and they touch him and they help him or her to, to to get back up off the ground. Even when they make a horrible mistake, such as they drop off a pass or they miss something that you see them getting together and touching and holding and letting the people know that they’re there. That’s an example to me, I may be projecting into it. But it feels like that from having played in sport.
Dr. James Doty 54:15
Well, but again, I think it’s also a recognition of the fact that those involved know how challenging it is, how tough it is, what’s the efforts that you have to put forward? And I think that
Dennis Tardan 54:28
we land behind a corner, sand behind a counter at Walmart for 810 hours a day, work with her and Lifta and tell me that’s not hard, right? I mean, tell me that, you know, and then come back home and try to take care of a sick parent at the same time that you told me that’s not worthy of her Arrow, Arrow. Well,
Dr. James Doty 54:47
just to comment on that. The underbelly of that is, you know, it’s interesting how corporations have used the US government to give them corporate welfare, right. You look at Walmart which doesn’t pay an adequate salary doesn’t offer health insurance. And you have people who are working there, and they’re on food stamps, and also Medicaid to pay for the health care. I mean, and yet this is one of the most profitable corporations around. You look at as an example, the fuel industry right now who suddenly we see prices going up. And there’s this entire narrative about the Ukraine Russian situation, yet the oil companies are now the most profitable countries companies in the world, yet we give them maximal subsidies, maximal subsidies, which are absolutely ridiculous, they should stand on their own completely. And see this is what people don’t understand is the amount of corporate welfare that the corporations have paid off politicians to allow them to have, you know, if corporations actually paid their fair share, there would also be much, much more money around that would benefit society in general that
Dennis Tardan 56:00
would benefit the corporation’s it all works together this idea, the zero sum versus synergy. This is a synergistic principle, this zero sum, there’s only enough you take something you get something it takes it out of my pie is not the way economy work.
Dr. James Doty 56:21
Well, you’re right, and and the problem is that this is how they view it. And again, like I said, unfortunately, my experience in a number of case studies have been shown that when you’re kind as a company, when you’re compassionate, when you’re thoughtful towards its employees, what happens, you know, if a company is managed through fear, what happens is there’s a marked decrease in productivity, there’s a marked decrease in creativity, there’s a marked increase in health care costs, and there’s a marked increase in human resource costs. And so when you’re actually able to create a corporate entity that’s focused on caring, compassion, thoughtfulness, a magic happens, productivity increases, creativity increases, health insurance costs are decreased, because you know, a lot of money that’s spent on health care costs have to do with stress, anxiety, and depression. And, and, in fact, you know, there’s this concept of absenteeism from work. And this is because you’re unhappy. If you can create an environment where people are excited when they understand that their work is important when they understand that they’re helping others when they understand they’re doing something that has meaning, or at least, the corporation recognizes their dignity and importance and creates environment, environments that allow them to be involved in things that give them meaning. This results in a huge, huge increase in shareholder value, huge increase in productivity and profitability. And that’s the sad thing about looking at corporate entities. Again, they’re still through the mindset of working through fear. And that, unfortunately, is what we created through Wall Street having to report its quarterly earnings
Dennis Tardan 58:11
through a system. To do that, our doctor, listen, I know that we were taking you up at the end of your time that you’ve allotted for us. But I want to make sure is there anything that we haven’t talked about that is on your mind and heart to make sure that we get it on this, this this broadcast of what you’re doing in your life right now?
Dr. James Doty 58:33
Well, I think that, you know, we’ve covered a lot of things, obviously, there’s a lot more detail we could get into about a whole variety of things. So please,
Dennis Tardan 58:43
if you think we can get him back Clady.
Dr. James Doty 58:48
But no, I think the most important thing is to one. Understand that you are biased, every one of us is biased. And if you take the time, to understand the nature of bias, it actually allows for you to become more self aware. And really, at the end of the day, the most important thing is for us to become self aware. Because when you become self aware, it allows you to be kind to yourself and allows you to be kind to other people. And this really is the most important thing is to look at the world through the lens of kindness, compassion. I mean, let me give you two examples. You have two people who are businessmen, they both walk out of a building into the rain. There’s one guy who walks out and the rain starts getting on a suit and he starts this whole diatribe about how his suits ruined. He’s going to be laid. His shoes are so it’s put him in a bad mood, etc, etc. You have another guy who walked out of the building and says, You know God, I’m so glad it’s raining because it reminds me how water is nurtured until all life on Earth. I’m so blessed to be on this earth, you know, I can certainly dry clean my suit. It’s not a big deal. But it’s really energized me just to be reminded of this reality. Well, you have two people who go through the exact same event, and look at the profound contrast between how two people believe. And in some ways, it’s your choice how you wish to see the world. The other An example is, I’m sure you have been cut off while you’re driving on more than one occasion, and typically, if you’re a male oft and maybe a female as well, you’ll have an expletive and a hand gesture. And but let me reframe that where this guy tries to cut you off, and you almost have an accident. But if I reframe it and say, you know, the person driving the car, his wife’s in the car, she’s nine months pregnant, her waters broken, she’s bleeding. He’s trying to get to the hospital. How does your perception of what’s important, right? And you see, in this microsecond, we have been able to change your perception, from one of anger about somebody cutting you off to being careful about what might happen to this woman. And again, it sees a little choices that we make about how we see the world. And if you change your perspective, to see the world through kindness, gentleness, gentleness and compassion, that changes your whole environment around you and people will react to in a completely different way. Amen.
Dennis Tardan 1:01:45
Thank you, Dr. Doty. Clay, thank you so much for inviting me along this journey and for founding in search of the new compassionate male. Dr. Doty, thank you for your time, your graciousness, and for your advocacy of being kind to yourself. I’m working on it myself. And you know, in keeping, keeping the process going, so you know, as you as you are, so I want you to know, the profound effect that you’ve had on us the profound effect on the audience and the time that you’ve given us. Thank you so much, sir.
Dr. James Doty 1:02:20
Thank you, gentlemen. And I wish you the best with your efforts and I do believe that the world will change if we’re more kind and compassionate. So thank you.
Dennis Tardan 1:02:32
This has been another podcast the 100th of in search of the new compassionate male. We will see everyone next time.
Clay Boykin 1:02:41
Check out the latest episode of In Search of the new compassionate mail on your favorite podcast Station.
CLARA FRANCESCA is a multi-lingual, international touring “philosopher of the heart making art”, as a playwright, actor, director, musician, producer, speech consultant and teaching artist. She holds a double Bachelors Degree in Laws & Biomedical Sciences as a graduate of Monash University in Melbourne, Australia. An inaugural alumni member of New York City’s SITI Company’s Conservatory she has worked with Anne Bogart, Roger Hendricks Simon, Tony Greco, Mary Overlie, Bill T. Jones, Laura Sheedy, Tom Nelis, Barney O’Hanlon, Darron West, Robert Woodruff, Tina Landau, Chuck Mee, Belinda Mello, Moises Kaufman, and the Martha Graham Studio, specializing in Suzuki, Viewpoints, and Alexander Technique. Teaching Artist credits include NY TownHall, East Village Phoenix Ensemble fr. Jean Cocteau Rep, Acting Antics, Australian Shakespeare Company. Clara has been a two-time guest adjudicator for the Mildura Eisteddfod Speech & Drama Festival, and Victorian Debating Association. Awards include Best Actress Fairfax Melbourne Arts Centre for self-devised solo play, Best Performance SaraSolo International Festival, Best Actress two-time nominee Independent New York Theater Awards, Dante Alighieri Society three-time winner, Alliance Francaise Poetry two-time winner, recipient of the Dame Joan Sutherland Australian American Association Scholarship for Artistic Excellence and co-lead in multiple films, including Cannes Film Festival Distribution Market recipient. She is a former Victorian Actors’ Benevolent Trust Committee Member. Clara has parlayed these experiences into a successful speech coaching business with an impressive client portfolio over fourteen years from C-suite executives to UN interns, from five year olds to seventy. Clara specializes in speech-anxiety reduction and fostering people with the confidence to walk into any room and share their authentic voice. Clara continues to act in all mediums, notable IMDBcredits and is a featured voiceover artist with household names Salvatore Ferragamo, Audible Books, Pokémon and Shiseido www.clarafrancesca.com
EP110: Don Frick – Silence & Servant Leadership (Part 2)
On the day when he first read Greenleaf’s essay The Servant as Leader in 1986, Don Frick decided to dedicate the rest of his career to understanding and teaching Greenleaf’s ideas about servant leadership. Since then, he has written books and essays about servant leadership—including Greenleaf’s biography—made presentations, conducted workshops, taught graduate seminars, and consulted with corporations on the principles of servant leadership. He is currently working on another book that offers details about how various organizations have implemented servant leadership. Before encountering Greenleaf’s work, Don engaged in multiple careers, including: managing departments at a university and museum of art; university teaching; television, radio, and film writing, production, and performance; trainer; specialist in advertising and marketing for Fortune 500 companies, plus an entrepreneur. His formal education includes a B.S. in Education, Master of Divinity, and PhD in Leadership and Organizational Studies.
EP109: Don Frick – Zelensky & Servant Leadership (Part 1)
On the day when he first read Greenleaf’s essay The Servant as Leader in 1986, Don Frick decided to dedicate the rest of his career to understanding and teaching Greenleaf’s ideas about servant leadership. Since then, he has written books and essays about servant leadership—including Greenleaf’s biography—made presentations, conducted workshops, taught graduate seminars, and consulted with corporations on the principles of servant leadership. He is currently working on another book that offers details about how various organizations have implemented servant leadership. Before encountering Greenleaf’s work, Don engaged in multiple careers, including: managing departments at a university and museum of art; university teaching; television, radio, and film writing, production, and performance; trainer; specialist in advertising and marketing for Fortune 500 companies, plus an entrepreneur. His formal education includes a B.S. in Education, Master of Divinity, and PhD in Leadership and Organizational Studies.
Welcome to In Search of the new compassionate male. My name is Clay Boykin, I support this podcast through my coaching practice. I help people visualize and harmonize find direction and meaning or simply get unstuck. Contact me at Clay Boykin calm for a free consultation. Now here’s the latest episode of In Search of the new compassionate male. Don. Ty you doing?
Well, it’s been interesting. I had a first meeting of my implementing servant leadership class. And that was last Friday. And it’s this time I just in the first the first meeting, I’ve learned to do this. So we just want to hear how you got here. To serve in leadership, tell me this, tell us about your journey in a person was kind of like a resume. And then I read some poems. And after that, the floodgates were open. And I this struck me I never struck me before when someone is especially a lot of people, when that field takes over with a group of people, you know, you’re all participating in the same field of intention and sharing. I’m not gonna say it’s mystical. I think it’s real. I think it’s, there’s a real measurable field probably we just don’t measure yet. But when that’s happening, then everybody is growing together. And it’s a feeling that can’t be manufactured. Facts are necessary. conceptual ideas are necessary. But they are not the only things that make up the full rich expression of what it means to be human, but also what it means to be a compassionate male. Also, there’s a man who named Dr. Tarr T AR, his mother, I met him recently. His mother was announcements. And she was one of the one of the one of the twins part of one of the twins that Dr. Mengele experimented on. Oh my. So she became an advocate. Later, she moved to Terre Haute, Indiana married and became an advocate for forgiveness. So I gave him the biography of Greenleaf because it has an awful lot to do with Terre Haute. And I really appreciate it. I’m going to see him tomorrow night. The State Museum now has an exhibit about her and her message. And they’ve done a documentary on her for public television. So I’m going to see that tomorrow night too. But she stood, she stood in the gates of Alice Fitch and read a letter about forgiveness. And until that moment, she could not get over the terrible effects of what had happened. And she was short with people and she realized that she was screwing herself an uprising
that really, it’s really sobering because last Friday, I interviewed Dr. Riane Eisler and her story is that when she was six years old, in Austria, her parents it was the crystal night and you know, these people were being raided and they were being taken away. And her father was taken away. And luckily, the mother was able to do something but get the to get the Gestapo to release the Father. And they evacuated and got to Cuba and survive there until they came over to the US. You know it’s something now, the right people show up at the right time. Especially in these these podcasts. I was talking about Dr. Rian, icecool earlier and per book, nurturing our humanity is a pretty incredible read. I skimmed it. I’ve gone back to take it to heart, read the preface in the first chapter that erased to the back to get to the conclusion. And then I’m going to read the rest of the book. And what is I think, showing me is that? Well, I don’t know what it’s showing me. I don’t know if I can put it into words yet. But I know that leadership for me servant leadership is, is in the present with the people that I’m with. With the network that I connect with. And this whole other side of leadership, the leadership that she’s demonstrated, taking from childhood, the atrocities that she witnessed and persevering through, and a brilliant woman taking all these different aspects and in this macro view of things, to present another way to, for us to live. And that’s another form of leadership. So it is to share, to take the difficulties and the challenges, terrific challenges, and then turn that in to something for the greater good. And she told us early on in the, in our conversation, actually, before we started taping, she she said that she had lost her husband six weeks ago. Yeah, that both of them well up into yours. And yeah, the obituary, said that he died of COVID. They’ve been married for 45 years. And she shared that. In their first 100 days of marriage, he wrote a poem a day to her. And she’s publishing that now. But you know, that’s a generation that’s, that’s fading away. Unfortunately, I think the lessons are also fading away.
Look at us now. Yeah. I am so struck by Zelinsky in Ukraine. Here’s a guy who grew up Jewish in southern Ukraine. His father moved to Mongolia for four years. And they came back and live in Kiev. He surprised me. He was, of course a good student. He’s always interested in theater though. And he made it he got a law degree. In six years. He got a law degree and a bachelor’s degree and was licensed to practice law, but went back to theater and was highly successful there. He made his name in a feature film, which you can see in Russian on Netflix right now called servant of the people. Really? Yeah. And it was a take kind of a spoof of the current leadership of Ukraine, because he was anything but a servant of the people whose crooked he stole things. Nobody believed in. The film features Zelinski as a young man who’s still living at home. And he just for the heck of it, jumped into I pick his friends in the film put him in this presidential race. And one day in the morning, there is a knock on the door and he’d won the race and they come to take him down to his office. He was shocked. So anyway, the whole thing was so successful. I went into a series for several years when he then became genuinely interested in politics, He named his party servant of the people. So it took this spoof, and turn it into the world’s most serious name, I think. Wow. And by the way, he also had his own production company. And he was the lead producer, he produced everything on Ukrainian television, he was ultimately responsible for it. So he had also dealt with a lot of people with big budgets for over there. And he had prepared himself without knowing what he was preparing for a president, a wartime President at that. And I really strikes me because you don’t play the I mean, you’re kind of like me, you know, you’ve your Motorola for a long time. But you did a lot of other things to sense created new things. You weren’t preparing for this, when you were 17 years old. by name. You didn’t have a straight line drawn from them to hear. And yet you repair you prepared for it all along the way. Because I suspect, I’d like to hear you talk about this. I suspect you followed what lured you nuts, LVR, Id L U R, E, D, and kind of went with that. And it tended to resolve itself out in an unprepared unexpected ways.
Gosh, you’re so right. And I have to say that. And this is not unique to me. And all the the men that I’ve come in contact with and all people interviewed. It’s like, you know, it’s the hero’s journey. For the guys, you know, it’s the we grew up and we leave our heart behind, and we go do what we’re supposed to do. We go climb this ladder, and whatever form it takes. And we know how to be happy. And so many times, there’s just emptiness that guys have. They don’t know what it is, but they know that they’re supposed to climb the ladder. You know, that’s how you achieve happiness. That’s how you provide and so forth. But at some point, it all falls apart. And that’s my story. And my health got me and I fell. And it wasn’t until I came back and found out what was here what what what was this burn it is a keenness that felt empty. That I recognized that that was that was my heart speaking to me, even speaking to me all these years, and I can go back and look at pictures and photographs and things that I did, that were all about heart. But I was pushing that down and going after the career growth. And, you know, I guess that’s okay for a time to get oneself established, if needed. But but it brought me down eventually. And it was only in the 2018, I guess, maybe some leading up to that, that I really decided to follow my heart. I had had a couple of health scares. And finally the last one was this lit. Someone’s calling me to do something different. As soon as I did. The fall of 2018. Everything changed, everything was aligned. And everything took off. And it’s like, well, I don’t know where this is going. But it feels right. It was the first time in my life that I ever really listened to my feelings. This was not intellectual. This was a feelings thing. And the more I did it, the better I felt the more the energy changed around me and hearing
thank you for that. It resonates with me. i i There are a lot of medical facts I could spew out and say oh, the males have a lot of cholesterol and we all ate grease In fact, I was blocking my heart. And I did quite well with concepts and ideas. But my heart was blocked. Yeah, till it literally was 90% 99% blocked. And they had to put stents in him. After that, I’d already run across certain leadership. But after that, I said, Look, I, I gotta quit what I’m doing here, and only do what I’m told to do. Right? By my heart. It’s got to be cleaned out. The Pathways to it, have to be cleaned out. It’s the Native Americans, you know, the talking stick, and yeah, all that. The fact is that if you don’t stand up and speak from the heart, I’ve been in some men’s groups where we do this kind of exercise. People will kindly nod. But they don’t, they don’t get excited. They don’t have to go pee, because they’re so excited. Because you’re just saying stuff. That means to be human, but also what it means to be a compassionate male. Now, I suspect that Solinsky has, you could probably check off all the boxes for compassionate bail for him. But doesn’t mean he’s not out there in his army fatigues. Doing want to ask to do to pray to protect his people. I’m compassionate. I’m not gonna fight back. No, no, that’s not. That’s not what it means.
So true. Ah,
it’s a hard lesson for some people to learn is like servant leadership. A lot of people think it means being a martyr. And not attending to your own needs. Nothing could be further from the truth. If you don’t attend to your own needs, go in and go down. You’re going to be a poor leader
why so many things are running through my mind right now. Our experiences health wise are very close to one another. And yeah, heart being blocked. Call it metaphoric, or call it physical. Know, the blockage. Wow.
And it’s what’s so ironic is that I blocked my heart to handle my feelings by not facing them directly. I suspect. I say suspect because I know at some level is true. And that very blockage almost gave me a Widowmaker what they call the widow-maker. And the hard docks talk about it about killed me. Yep. So by blocking it. I just about killed myself.
Yes. i So get that. And that happened in oh seven. I ended up under the knife, you know. quintuple bypass. And later on. I ended up having to stem because of that very thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, there you go. And that’s what I asked myself. You know, I was, I was commuting to New York at the time back and forth in my offices on parking 32nd Street. And I’d sit my office and I look up at the Empire State Building, you know, never been up there. And when I went back after, like, Come bless for my bypass surgery. I thought I’ve never been up there. So I went up. This was a fall of December 22,020 17. No, this was the fall of 2007. I went up there. And I said, you know, metaphorically, I’ve made it to the top. I’m at the top of the Empire State Building. You know, it’s almost killed me. And of course, you know, what came next? Who am I? Why am I here? Where am I going? You know, I looked at my little office window down there. And I thought what’s is all about. And that’s when the market crashed. And I was let go and wasn’t for two years. For I got my next job. And it was, it was for $9 An hour part time at OfficeMax. You know, so I went from the top, basically the bottom and started over again. And that’s where it was that evolution that really woke me up.
I’ve wondered, well, I had, oh, probably 10 or 12 careers. I don’t mean jobs, I mean careers. But in several of them, I was in the public, I posted a television show for the museum apart and did the radio series. But I had to start wondering what part hubris was playing. In that because there’s this thing out there, that persona that you can build, you know, just do it in media. I found a lot of wounded people in radio and television, who probably like me, had a hard time uniting their vocation in their application. And who they were and who they wanted to be seen as to another deadly thing, but there’s a kind of hubris there. And boy, just hate to have to admit stuff like that. I’m gonna go, I’ll drive around the block or something before I really get into that. It’s called the shadows. Yeah. And I think that’s where a lot of courage comes in for people. Yeah. Between able to turn and face them.
Yeah. What was it that that you really got rolling? With servant leadership. I mean, you. You’re the official biographer, for the late Robert Greenleaf. And you told in a previous podcast, kind of all the evolution of that. But there was a point when all those careers, which you really took off and dedicated yourself to the advancement of servant leadership. Can you talk about that? So?
Yes, I got green leaves. Original essay, the servant as leader, when they in 1986. And it came in a padded envelopes from my mentor who lived in Dallas and McGee Cooper. So I opened it up, eventually, through blade around a couple of days, and read it and was riveted. And decided after I closed the last page, that I would devote the rest of my career to trying to understand and share these ideas. And that was it. Now, that was not my style, necessarily, to say, oh, okay, I see this, I’ll just change my life. It wasn’t unprecedented. One night in graduate school. I worked late at a radio station came back and there was one light on in the dorm. And the guy was an entry. I was in seminary, first year of seminary, and there was a guy there who I like, he was kind of a draft dodger, I think he was waiting till he turned 26. But he just said, you really need to go to England or Scotland. Next year, for your second year of seminary. I said, why? And he said, Well, I went to England, blah, blah, blah. So I walked out and called my sister and said, I’m going to Scotland next year. Boom, just like that. It sounds foolish. It sounds foolish to change my career, just like that. But I was saying, Yes, I didn’t initiate the request. The request came from somewhere else. And there was a solid rightness about it. You know what, thank God I did. Thank God that I take no responsibility for creating that. Except that I had the doors of perceptions open perception open long enough for it to sneak in and make itself No. And that’s for a lot.
I’m sorry. Yeah. Why Scotland?
I’m one quarter Scottish. Aha. I always wanted to go there. And I wanted to learn a little bit more about my grandmother. And where she came from near Glasgow, but also Scotland. In theology. It’s a pretty big deal place. The University of Scotland had some high end theologians through the years. And I wanted to test myself there too. So I bought a motorcycle and ran around Europe after that, and you know, that all that kind of stuff? I’m glad I did. But how often? Have I been open to all? I’ve asked myself that since that was an awful, a W E, a full moment when this thing crashed into my consciousness. And I wonder if there had been time since that. insights of similar import. Haven’t tried to get in there. And I was too busy.
Oh, that’s a real. That’s really something to reflect on. How many times it just right below the surface? Yep. And there’s just enough resistance? No, I can’t do that. Just enough resistance to keep it is just an inch or two below the waterline? And yeah, really, it really is. It really gives me pause, as you’re saying that because that time when I said yes, when I quit my work, you know, I’d had another heart scare, I was okay. I came home. When I said to Laurie, I said, you know, I was in Jamaica in 2007 in the woods, knowing I was going to have a heart attack. And just finding peace. It’s hard to describe, but I knew I was leaning against the veil. I knew I was going to die. And I wasn’t going to go to the hospital air. But I felt got so at peace with all that. How that happened? I don’t know. And when I got back, sure enough. I went in. But I said to her after this latest heart scare in 2018, I said, you know, I was in the woods in Jamaica, doing what was in my heart to do do my little crafts and so forth. And knowing I was going to die. So I would do it was my heart there. And who’s to say, today is not my last day? And am I doing what’s on my heart right now. That’s right. If not now, when am I going to do it? And that’s what sparked me to believe and start this path.
I think if something odd and irresistible comes to us because it’s on the fringes of not of consensual reality. I mean, it’s a kind of non consensual reality. I think that is a high alert that we should pay attention. And I’m almost glad here the I am glad I’m 75 years old. I don’t have the same passions of making it I making it now is to try to make a difference for other people as much as I can. knowing now that that’s not all out to me. That it is it’s it’s in communion with other people who care I’m supposed to be working with in certain ways, and I’m doing that. So it is mysterious, but it’s real. That’s it something can be mysterious. And still it will be real as dirt it’s holding those two things in our mind simultaneously. That Einstein called genius that we are but it’s very difficult to do especially in this culture.
Yeah. Yeah. So binary. Check out the latest episode of In Search of the new compassionate male on your favorite podcast Station.