All is not what it appears to be. The dynamics beneath the surface may surprise you. Dennis Tardan, Renée Yarworsky and Clay Boykin explore this question from varying perspectives. For a man, fear of being laughed at often lies just below the vibrato; for a woman, it’s likely to be fear for her safety including fear of being killed.
Mend-ing
BY: Dr Nancy Gahles, DC, CCH, RSHom(NA), OIM
…my heart broke wide open as I felt the pain and the woundedness in men that I hadn’t given much thought to…
“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” This is the custom that I was brought up to practice when one had transgressed upon another. It is an act of contrition in the Catholic religion. One confesses that they are ‘heartily sorry’ for the offense. Breast beating the words of contrition “ through my fault, through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault”. Only the priest has the authority to forgive you and to mete out a punishment to you. You must perform an act of penance after your confession.
The patriarchal authority always bothered me. It brought up feelings of inadequacy in me, a sense of weakness, and dependency. It bred a sense of learned helplessness in me that went deeply against my grain.
I was a good girl. A smart girl. A kind girl. A fun-loving girl. Yet I was being trained to doubt that and to be watchful for any misstep lest, when I die, I will be judged by the All Powerful Man, who could, at his Will, send me to the Eternal flames of hell to suffer mercilessly forever.
Fortunately, my father, (earth father not the one who Art in heaven) was a progressive man, a Women’s Libber, as we called them back in the day. I was one of 5 girls and he taught us that we could be anything we wanted to be and encouraged higher education as a foundation for intelligence, right thinking and decision making based on your own inner authority.
My father, son of a blue collar worker, went to college and law school on the GI bill. He studied with the Jesuits. The key Jesuit values permeated the way in which he lived his life. The Jesuits are an apostolic religious community called the Society of Jesus. They are grounded in love for Christ and animated by the spiritual vision of their founder, St. Ignatius of Loyola; to help others in all things. Cura Personalis is a Latin phrase meaning having concern and care for the personal development of the whole person. Another key value is Men and Women for and With Others. This value embodies a spirit of giving and providing service to those in need and standing with the poor and marginalized. One is encouraged to pursue justice on behalf of all persons.
I grew up in a small neighborhood where the Church was the center of our schooling and our social lives. I attended an all girls Catholic High School where academic excellence prevailed. I recall these facets of my upbringing because they were exactly that . Facets of my upbringing that shone crystal clear after I attended a webinar on Gender Reconciliation where Clay Boykin, author of Circles of Men, a leader in the field of male spiritual development, spoke. My heart broke wide open as I felt the pain and the woundedness in men that I hadn’t given much thought to. There were some men, I knew, who had expressed their vulnerability and the ability to be emotional. There were many others who were emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive and downright domineering .
Truth be told, my life as a woman from puberty on was at the behest of men. They had the power to ask you on a date, to take you where they wanted to go, to hire and fire you, to promote or demote you. The society I grew up in was controlled by men. A woman in my day learned quickly how to be wily, to subjugate her needs in order to be a good girl, desired and wanted by a man.
Women in my day objected to this status and were encouraged to rise above this culture. We were the rebellious bra burners . We didn’t need men. We were self sufficient. We went to college, became professionals and beat the pants off those men. In the pursuit of equality, we emasculated any who got in our way. It was war. I was a warrior. Kill or be killed. Either you eat the bear or the bear eats you.
When I heard Clay speak, my heart broke open with sorrow for those whom I left in the wake of my destruction. Bless me Father, for I have sinned . Through my fault, through my fault, through my most grievous fault.
I awakened from a deep metaphorical sleep. The scales fell from my eyes. They are just like us! They were not given the chance in our culture to be liberated either. Men, too, suffer. We share a common humanity. Suffering from the suppression of emotions is a painful process. Fruitlessly searching for opportunities for expression of feelings, for a “soft place to fall” is daunting.
I now look at men as the “men” part of wo-men. I perceive a whole entity of an energy that radiates both feminine and masculine essences. I see how mercurial the elements are. Changing like quicksilver, the yin and yang constantly in flow, seeking its level, like water, in any given moment, responding to the environment, physically, mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually.
Burying the past grievous offenses on both sides of the aisle, I actualize the Jesuit values that I was taught, Cura Personalis, Men and Women for and With Others. It makes good sense now and it feels good. I soften my gaze, open my heart, and become a soft place to fall and a safe place to laugh and play. I have Men-ded.
Editor’s Note: My search for the new compassionate male has brought me into contact with interesting people from all over the world. As my search began in the fall of 2018 I was invited to develop an initiative for Men & Boys for the Charter for Compassion; an effort that continues today. Early on I was introduced to the Women & Girls Sector of the Charter and invited to be on their leadership team. The thinking was that I could learn how they are engaging women worldwide which might present new ideas while on my search. Said another way, the women were helping give birth to the men and boys initiative. One of the women I have come to know is Dr. Nancy Gahles. Nancy has written this article about her experiences growing up and how the patriarchal system shaped her views on men, and how those views have changed and become more compassionate in recent months. – Clay Boykin
About: Dr. Nancy Gahles, DC, CCH, RSHom(NA), OIM
Dr. Nancy Gahles is CEO and Founder of Health & Harmony Wellness Education and Center for Integrative and Holistic Healthcare, TeleHealth & Harmony and Spirit of Love~The Rockaway Sangha, a member of the Charter for Compassion. She is a Chiropractor (Ret.), Certified Classical Homeopath, Certified Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) practitioner, Cert. facilitator in Compassionate Integrity and Secular Ethics and Ordained Interfaith Minister in family practice since 1980 specializing in the stress that underlies disease and pain management.
Dr. Gahles’ unique method, the Triumvirate Technique, integrates the best of the mind/body/spirit disciplines including homeopathy, diet and lifestyle, meditation, yoga/QiGong, breath/bodywork, cognitive behavioral techniques, spirituality in health and medicine, palliative care and end of life issues and positive potential practice.
Dr. Gahles is a member of the Board of Directors of the Integrative Health Policy Consortium (IHPC) and a Partner for Health for the Council for Homeopathic Certification (CHC) ; a member of the Advisory Board, Integrative Healthcare Symposium . Dr. Gahles is Pres. Emerita of the National Center for Homeopathy.
She is a free-lance healthcare journalist, newspaper columnist, member of the Association of Healthcare Journalists & author of The Power of $elf Care:A Common Sense Guide to YOUR Wellness Solution (http://amzn.to/16G1hAB). Dr. Gahles is a public speaker and TEDXTalk presenter (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l6bZBwl636s)
“In terms of where we are historically and in this moment in history I think we are at a very pivotal place, very volatile and uncertain, and all these qualities are very characteristic of this threshold of the death rebirth process; because you have to have an uncertain outcome; you have to have the conviction of uncertainty for such a transformation to actually be successful. You have to feel that everything is at stake and it might not work out for the moral transformation to take place… To have faith and hope in the darkness is very important, and in some sense it is only in dark periods that you develop faith and hope. If everything is just light and glorious you don’t develop those muscles. It’s something you develop in challenging times.” – Richard Tarnas* – October 2018
While in search of the new compassionate male I was recently drawn to Richard Tarnas by way of Cynthia Brix and Will Keepin, founders of the Satyana Institute. They suggested I reach out to Richard’s daughter, Becca Tarnas, for my first in-depth astrological reading. (I am still poring over and processing the reading deeply; a topic for another time).
With my interest peaked, I began doing some light research on Richard and found an interview that provided insights and perspectives on our current U.S. and world situation. About half way though the interview I was stunned to realize the interview took place in October 2018. His book, Passion Of The Western Mind: Understanding the Ideas That Have Shaped Our World Views, has caught my eye and I am waiting for it to arrive in the next few days.
* “Richard Tarnas is known as one of the most influential and perceptive cultural historians of our time. In ‘Passion of the Western Mind’, he presented a vast overview of the history of western thought and culture, with predictions of where both were heading. On its release it was hailed as a masterpiece, allowing “readers to grasp the big picture of Western culture as if for the first time”. – Excerpt from the YouTube posting.
Brecia Kralovic-Logan posed a very interesting question in reference to men and compassion. “What if the young men mentored the older men?” – Brecia is an artist, author and champion of creativity. Over the last 30 years she has taught thousands of art workshops at schools and colleges; art organizations; international, national, and regional conferences; museums; and at her studio. Kralovic-Logan’s award-winning artwork has been exhibited nationally and is in the permanent collection at the Ventura County Museum of Art and History, as well as private collections.Kralovic-Logan has been a speaker for International events including art conferences, women’s conferences, and peace conferences.
She is the author of the book: The Spiral of Creativity- Mastering the Art of a Spirited Life. She is currently the founder/ director of the Women’s Woven Voices: an international, collaborative art project that promotes the empowerment of women through writing, weaving, and sharing their stories. Lean more about Brecia and her work at: https://breciacreative.com
Join us as we go “In Search of the New Compassionate Male.” Perhaps you have a story, idea or message that needs to be shared. Contact me at: https://clayboykin.com
Renée Yaworsky, Clay Boykin and Dennis Tardan discuss Clay’s spearheading of the Search of the New Compassionate Male and why the world needs this so much at this time of great change and challenge.
Renée Yaworsky is an attorney, activist, actor, musician, writer and producer. She has worked in criminal justice reform since she was a teenager, been active in women’s rights and justice all over the world. Contact Renée at [email protected]
Clay Boykin is a writer, speaker and activist. A former US Marine, multi-decade executive change agent with Motorola who more than 8 years ago embarked upon a conscious journey in what has become a search, inside himself and in the world, of the new compassionate male.
Dennis Tardan is a professional interviewer and speaker, communication and coach. His specialty is helping executives, managers, and teams to deliver their core messages with increased clarity, confidence, and authenticity. Over Dennis’ 35-year career in the communication field, he has worked at all levels of media including wire service correspondent, newspaper columnist, writer, facilitator, public relations, talk show host, television producer, scriptwriter, actor, and director.
To learn more about the Search for the New Compassionate Male initiatives and his work: www.clayboykin.com
Have you ever been told that you have a blind spot? I have many times and my first reaction is to reject the notion and tell the person they are wrong. But, the truth of the matter is that they are right.
Granted, they are probably referring to the way I am acting or responding to a certain situation, but the fact is, we are all born with a blind spot.
Look this gentleman straight in the eyes, cover your right eye and move your head towards the screen and back again. What happens? That’s right, the coin suddenly disappears, like magic! Try it.
When I listen deeply to another person more is revealed than merely the point they are trying to get across or the story. Often times I will say, I hear you, I see what you are saying. My mind has just translated the words and inflections into a picture my mind’s eye can see. But I can’t always see what they are saying. Inasmuch as I do have a blind spot in my eyes, so does my mind’s eye have a blind spot, if not more than one.
What is the blind spot in your life? Do you take time to reflect; to go within and find it? Rather than thinking of it as a blind spot, perhaps it is a growing edge. Perhaps it is a door through-which a greater truth can be found.
Rumi said: “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
In this podcast Renée Yaworsky and I share ideas on men and compassion, what women can do to support men, and the work that is for men to do with men. Renée Yaworsky drummed, sang and played guitar in various rock bands you’ve never heard of. With a background in English Literature from the University of Georgia and Oxford University, she earned a law degree at Syracuse University. She served as a reporter for the human rights organization Impunity Watch, as a fellow at the Syracuse Medical-Legal Partnership, and as a contributor to research on nostalgia. She is currently writing a biography on Peter Tork, and is the producer of the podcast: “A Conversation with Dennis Tardan”. She is also poised to publish a fictional book series featuring a touring rock band. When she’s not writing, editing, or playing music, you can find her binge-watching 60’s TV shows and dipping Milano cookies into Earl Grey tea.
Our friend, Dr. Karambu, has sent out an appeal for our support. Today, she is housing, feeding and protecting/isolating 63 children from the COVID-19 virus. Her video is compelling. Many of you remember her visit to our Men’s Circle late last December where she shared about Amani Children’s Home in Meru, Kenya. I have personally been there and witnessed the incredible work Karambu is doing and am prayerfully requesting your support.
High above the crowd she swung on her trapeze. To and fro in a mesmerizing rhythm; descending and rising as she accepted then broke away from the pull of gravity. Back, then forth, from high to low and back to high. At the apex of her arc she hung weightless in the air, and for that moment there was no up, no down, no to, no fro.
Then back as her swing reversed and took her once again to an apex. Then down, her trajectory fueled by her muscular intentions set free. Set free to thrust her down as if to welcome and enhance the gravitational pull towards earth. Then up once again, higher and into a new space of weightlessness. There she released her grasp on the known. Her body floated motionless in anticipation of the other acrobat’s hands rising to meet hers. Motionless, in pause, where seemingly nothing was happening, but where everything in the universe was acting upon her to present her into a special space.
During a call the other day with my dear friends of Gender Equity and Reconciliation International, the term, liminal space, was eloquently spoken of and held up as a metaphor, that of being at the threshold of possibility.
There have been times recently when I have felt in betwixt and in between, not fully here, nor there; but then I realize I am not there at all. I am in the liminal space; in pause, in suspense, trusting the universe to hold me safely as new possibilities arise.
As she paused in mid-air two hands came up to meet hers. The acrobat grasped her wrists; as she too took a firm grip they coursed their way down acting on their intentions and rose high together and into that place of exhilaration and anticipation; then back, then forth, then back, then forth, rising higher and higher each time, and each time pausing at the apex, and pausing within the liminal space, where all things are possible.
Recently, I hosted a workshop on Ideation, Mind-mapping and Reframing. This podcast includes comments from a few of the participants. – During the workshop we discussed how the world is in lockdown. How many are disoriented and frozen in fear and unable to create their new normal. For almost 40 years I have helped individuals and organizations conceptualize, think counterintuitively, and unleash their creativity and full potential. I train them how to reframe and find answers to their burning questions. If you have a burning question, feel disoriented, or just need a sounding board, I invite you to contact me directly.
If you're looking for clarity or just need a fresh perspective, I'm here to help. Click here for a complimentary 20-minute 1:1 chat. No pressure, just a conversation to see how I can support you on your journey.
