Edafe Okporoarrived to the United States from Nigeria in 2016 seeking asylum due to persecution he faced in his native country for being gay. Okporo is now using his own personal experience to help guide other LGBTQ asylum-seeking refugees at a shelter in Harlem. In my search I would have to say that Edafe is an example of a New Compassionate Male.
My life, as you will read, has taken me from one place to another. Bed Number 26 is the story of how I fought my way out of constant persecution and reclaimed my freedom. It is my hope that by sharing my experience and my pain, you will begin to understand why people are forced to immigrate. This is a revealing memoir and empowering manifesto, with contributions from other asylees, refugees, and Nigerians. Nong Richie was born in one country and came of age in another more visible placeNigeria. In a strange world where he was continually persecuted, living soon became a personal nightmare of constant mob attacks and deaths of his friends to HIV. Nong escaped into the world of his mind from the expository details of the war he suffered as a child and high-profile attacks against gay Nigerians. Every detail of his personal life became public, and the realities of an inherently unlawful society emerged with every script of this book. The detention center packaged his trauma as a bombshell, hijacking his image and identity and making profit from every night he spent in it. Bed Number 26 is his raw, honest, and poignant accounta no-holds-barred, pull-no-punches account for the persecution of him and his community. He was a fearless activist and an unstoppable force for change who was determined to expose the truth. The target demographics of this book are clients of Immigration Equality, immigrants, refugees, asylum seekers, attorneys representing Immigration Equality, clients and volunteers of First Friends, Eat Offbeat clients, and the network of mine from the United Nations department of NGOs.
Back in the 1980’s, as I was beginning to find my stride inside Motorola, we were faced with many large changes on a corporate-wide basis. These were not product changes, although there were plenty of those as well. These were changes that sought to speak to the essence of the Motorola culture and the essence of leadership. For me, it was both an exciting as well as a confusing time. I passionately believed in the essence of servant leadership, and what I was hearing at the corporate level had the same key elements. As well, there were many programs and processes that were being implemented corporate-wide such as Six-Sigma, 10x Cycle Time Reduction, etc… and, quite frankly, it was confusing for even the best to piece together into day-to-day action.
I was inspired by the corporate messages speaking to our culture such as, “Constant respect for people and uncompromising integrity” so I set out to wrap my head around my personal leadership style, and put this into context with the wave of activity inside the company; this to provide focus and meaning to the organization for which I was the marketing director.
An eight month self-study began which crossed many disciplines and perspectives. I went back to what was instilled in me about leadership during my time in the Marine Corps. I pulled books from my shelf at home by Peter Drucker-Frontiers of Management, Tom Peters-Thriving on Chaos, The Armed Forces Officers Handbook, Jim Kouzes and Barry Posner-The Leadership Challenge, Robert F. Allen-The Organization Unconscious, and of course Robert Greenleaf on Servant Leadership. There were many more but these stood out most to me. My goal was to bring together the essence of leadership as described by all of these authors, mix in what I learned day-to-day in the Corps, and find the common threads buried within the Corporate messages, and decide how I intended to lead.
Along the way I was reminded that one could not go wrong taking to heart what Peter Drucker had to say; and while I loved the passion of Tom Peters, I knew that I could not show up as a “mono-manic with a mission” as he put it. And the Armed Forces Officers Handbook, while pragmatic in its approach offered sound advice about leading and life in general.
The Leadership Challenge really spoke to me. Within it’s five principles I began to find the common thread that brought Drucker, Peters, Allen, Kouses and Posner together with what I had been taught in the Marine Corps. Things began to solidify for me and I became grounded in my beliefs on leadership. I was finding my voice, and The Leadership Challenge was the common thread that tied them all together with the Corporate mantras.
Kouses and Posner summarized it with five principles:
Creating an inspired vision
Modeling the way
Enabling others to act
Challenging the process
Encouraging the heart
All spoke loudly to me. The ones I will touch on here are: “creating and inspired vision” and “encouraging the heart.” We had the technology, we had talent, the resources to grow, and we had the brand name. We also had stress, tension, egos, and disagreements on technologies that would seem to cross into the esoteric. If you singled anyone out and gave them a truth serum one would invariably find an undercurrent of fear.
The popular book Born to Run by Christopher McDougall used fear as the underlying motivator: In the book he writes: “Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up, it knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re the lion or a gazelle-when the sun comes up, you’d better be running.”
I remember hearing Born to Run quoted many times over the years. What was odd to me was that its premise was fear. Semantics, maybe, but it’s worth considering whether or not any of us would rather be led by fear, or led though inspiration and encouragement; and whether or not you want your team to be running away from failure or running towards a vision.
Creating an inspired vision, Modeling the way, Enabling others to act, Challenging the process, Encouraging the heart; The common I had found the common thread and I had found my voice.
With this book, Clay Boykin has created a spiritual blueprint for men around the world. Not only does this book provide a detailed guide for starting and maintaining a men’s group, but it also contains rich insight into the struggles and challenges of being a spiritual male in today’s western culture. Clay’s authenticity, honesty, and vulnerability make this an endearing read for both men and women trying to understand male or masculine spirituality. Told through his experience, Clay shares a story we can all relate too. It is rich with practical and personal insight that helps break down the complexity of the human spirit. I especially enjoyed the testimonials from those who have had the opportunity sit amongst Clay and experience this counter-intuitive process. I highly recommend this to anyone interested in learning more about their own spirituality or someone wanting to start their own group
I just finished reading the book “Circles of Men” and found it very informative and inspiring in helping me become a better Men’s Circle facilitator. I have recently begun the Consciously Evolving Men facebook and meetup groups based in Portland, ME, and also as an online community. I appreciate the ideas of gathering men in a more open and relaxed manner (versus a therapy group type format) that encourages simple authentic conversations and presence. We are all wisdom-keepers and when we come together and share our experiences we are all that much stronger and better equipped to evolve in conscious and positive ways. Thank you for this fantastic resource and all the work you are doing!
Clays big heart and warm humor were present right from the beginning, which made it easy for me to trust him. Like the eagle he is a master of expansion (seeing the bigger picture) as well as of precision (seeing those “details“, which play a key role in the process). He listens deeply and captures the content as well as the information between the lines. In the right moments he shows his persistence – a persistence, which is rooted in compassion. And last but not least: His ability to mind map in real time is legendary – and the completed mind maps are a great support in the time after the consultation! Thank you for your help, compassionate man named Clay. – Andreas Pellegrini – Switzerland
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My work with Clay and his process of mind mapping/mandala was a beautiful vision board. I have deep appreciation of his intuitive guidance that created this session. This process allowed me to really see where I can take action. I am deeply grateful to Clay and his work. – Jan Blevins – Austin, Texas
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We called Clay Boykin for help in organizing our new foundation. It is based on a complex subject not easily understood by people who are not spiritually oriented. Clay came to us and led us into a seemingly simple discussion about our subject matter, Kundalini, and what we wanted to accomplish with our new foundation. Finally Clay stood up before a white board and starting adding words and lines and then as we talked he made the lines come together and explained the meaning of each issue. We were stunned. Right before our eyes, Clay not only understood what we were about, but how to communicate it in simple and powerful terms. He also helped us organize a simple and usable business plan to get from where we were to where we want to be. Here’s the deal. Clay is a Marketing Genius capable of taking a group of almost novices to a high level of marketing understanding in a brief amount of time and in a way that feels and seems totally empowering. – Chuck Robison – Director – Kundalini Research Foundation
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Over the past eight years Clay has helped me tremendously, both personally and professionally, with his reframing and mind mapping expertise. His intuitive and creative approach has helped me gain a fresh and unique perspective with which to navigate through difficult and challenging life AND BUSINESS situations. The time he has spent mentoring along side me has been invaluable. I wholeheartedly recommend Clay for both individual and organizational coaching and consulting. – Kirby Hiscox – VP Corporate Development – Austin, Texas
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Clay is energetic, creative and results-focused. He’s a great colleague to have, because he views your issues as his issues, and will focus his energy and creativity towards helping you. A fine team player, he’d be an asset to any organization. – Brian Bedford – Corporate Human Resources Executive
Clay is full of wisdom and authenticity in guiding and supporting the MFN, Men’s Fellowship Network. His dedication and passion in being conscious of what men (and women) seek to know under the broad umbrella of Male Spirituality is uncanny. Clay is compassionate and has his finger on the pulse of what is making a difference in this world. I am honored to know Clay and can honestly say he has changed my life in the most fantastic ways. – Martin Dowmen
Clay is a great conceptual thinker and planner that effectively incorporates fine detail in his plan. He is a superb motivator withan altruistic soul. I recommend him highly for all kinds of programs. – Rich Pendergraph
I was priviledged to work with Clay at Motorola on several business group and corporate initiatives. Clay is one of those unique individuals that combines incredible interpersonal skills, business acumen and a special gift of creativity to bring a variety of solutions to any problem or situation. He is truly an amazing individual and would bring value to any challenging environment. I highly recommend Clay. – Pete Pichette
Clay provides leadership that is transparent, inspiring, and totally open to fellow members of our men’s group. His spiritual grounding and continued self-exploration in exactly what a group of mature men welcome and embrace. Clay constantly searches for items of inspiration, self-exploration, and service to humanity. I respect his leadership and camaraderie. – Art Carter
Clay has taken certain of his “life lessons learned” and helpedcreate a powerful and profound men’s spirituality movement. I can give no higher recommendation as a spiritual leader, pilgrim, friend and brother. – Jim Jameson
Clay combines sensitivity to people and sensibility for situationsremarkably. Clay applies his creative, intuitive perceptions tomake complex problems simple and solvable. He folds into this a powerful consideration for people and for ever-strengthening their relationships. – Tim Wright
I have known Clay for over 15 years. I have worked with Clay on Community Projects as well as work projects. Clay is an extremely creative, organized, amiable and excellent communicator. Clay is an awesome addition to any organization he is a part of. Excellent leadership skills and always follows through. A wonderful person to work with. – Sylvia Stern
Clay is one of those rare individuals who can be focused, pragmatic, and innovative at the same time. I know of only a handful of people capable of doing such a good job at both the business end and the human side of work. He is a natural leader who infuses his environment and those around him with integrity, drive, and tenacity. – Cisalee Morris
Clay is terrific to work with. He understands the true meaning of leadership as it relates to mobilizing and energizing an organization. His creative and sometimes “off the wall” solutions to business challenges brings out the best in everyone and adds some fun to the work environment. Clay is an excellent communicator and was able to gain mind-share, build trust and engage our global sales force. This helped enable us add hundreds of millions of dollars in profitable sales to the company. – Mike Chaddock
Organizations change. They have to in order to address the changing needs of those they serve; the end customer, the stakeholders and the employees. We’ve heard all our lives that “change is inevitable” – “change before you have to” – “the only constant in life is change.” So why do so many of us find change to be hard? If you dig deep enough, at the heart of matter is “fear.” And if that is at the heart of the matter, then that is where great leaders have to begin to lead, from the heart, speaking to the heart, and, yes, connecting at the heart level.
Sounds a bit woo-woo in the corporate word today but, is it? Or is it time to reflect on our own fears as a leader. As a leader, are we leading out of fear; running to stay ahead of the lions? Or, are we running towards something, perhaps a vision your entire team can believe in? Whichever way we lead our people will follow. They will follow you out of fear, or they will follow you towards a shared vision.
Rest assured, it’s what’s in your heart that speaks first verbally or non-verbally at work, at home, in life. I am sure you have heard it many time, “It takes courage to lead.” If we look at the root of the word courage we find that it means “to share one’s truth with an open heart.” Yes, it does take courage to lead and there is nothing woo-woo about that.
I received a call from an old friend the other evening. He was triggered and railing about the pandemic, and the impact it was having on him, the possible impact to his health and his small business. True concerns. But the victimhood and railing went on, and on, and on.
Eventually, I began to feel as though he was attacking me and I became defensive. I was now clearly triggered. This only added fuel to the fire. The call did not end well, and I was left shaking.
I woke up the next morning from a fitful sleep thinking aboutThe Four Agreementsby Don Miguel Ruiz.
Be impeccable with your word.
Don’t take anything personally.
Don’t make assumptions.
Always do your best.
I asked myself, “How am I showing up in the world today. How could I be showing up? What is mine to do?
I found my answers in this video clip I created a few years ago. It reminded me that when I sit still and go within, I already have the answers.
If you're looking for clarity or just need a fresh perspective, I'm here to help. Click here for a complimentary 20-minute 1:1 chat. No pressure, just a conversation to see how I can support you on your journey.
My life, as you will read, has taken me from one place to another. Bed Number 26 is the story of how I fought my way out of constant persecution and reclaimed my freedom. It is my hope that by sharing my experience and my pain, you will begin to understand why people are forced to immigrate. This is a revealing memoir and empowering manifesto, with contributions from other asylees, refugees, and Nigerians. Nong Richie was born in one country and came of age in another more visible placeNigeria. In a strange world where he was continually persecuted, living soon became a personal nightmare of constant mob attacks and deaths of his friends to HIV. Nong escaped into the world of his mind from the expository details of the war he suffered as a child and high-profile attacks against gay Nigerians. Every detail of his personal life became public, and the realities of an inherently unlawful society emerged with every script of this book. The detention center packaged his trauma as a bombshell, hijacking his image and identity and making profit from every night he spent in it. Bed Number 26 is his raw, honest, and poignant accounta no-holds-barred, pull-no-punches account for the persecution of him and his community. He was a fearless activist and an unstoppable force for change who was determined to expose the truth. The target demographics of this book are clients of Immigration Equality, immigrants, refugees, asylum seekers, attorneys representing Immigration Equality, clients and volunteers of First Friends, Eat Offbeat clients, and the network of mine from the United Nations department of NGOs.
